Boating Jokes [Archive] - Checkmate Community Forums

Hot H2O

04-27-2003, 06:01 PM

Nautical Terms
If the words associated with boating are a complete mystery to you read on to find no help whatsoever:

Ahoy
The first in a series of four letter words commonly exchanged by skippers as their boats approach one another

Bar
Long. Low lying navigational hazard, usually awash, found at river mouths and harbour entrances, where it is composed of sand or mud, and ashore, where it is made of mahogany or some other dark wood. Sailors can be found in large numbers around both.

Boom
A Laterally mounted spar to which a sail is fastened, used during jibing to shift crew members to a fixed, horizontal position.

Bulkhead
Discomfort suffered by sailors who drink too much

Cabin
A cramped, closet like compartment below decks where crew members may be stored – on their sides if large or on end if small – until needed.

Calm
Sea condition characterised by the simultaneous disappearance of the wind and the last cold beer

Channel
Narrow stretch of deep or dredged waterway bordered by buoys or markers that separates two or more grounded boats

Current
Tidal flow that carries a boat away from it desired destination or toward a hazard.

Fitting Out
Series of maintenance tasks performed on boats ashore during good weather weekends in spring and summer months to make them ready for winter storage.

Flipper
Rubber swimming aid worn on the feet. Usually available in two sizes, 3 and 17

Flotsam
Anything floating in the water from which there is no response when an offer of a cocktail is made.

Fluke
The portion of an anchor that digs securely into the bottom: also, any occasion when this happens on the first try.

Galley
Ancient: Aspect of seafaring associated with slavery.
Modern: Aspect of seafaring associated with slavery

Gear
Generic term for any pieces of boating equipment that can be forgotten in the back-seat or boot of a car, left behind on a pontoon, soaked in the bottom of a dinghy or lost over the side of the boat.

Gimbals
Movable mountings often found on shipboards lamps, compasses etc which provide dieting passengers an opportunity to observe the true motions of the ship in relation to them, and thus prevent any recently ingested food from remaining in their digestive systems long enough to be converted into unwanted calories.

Grounding
Embarrassing situation in which a sailor returns to shore without leaving his boat.

Hatch
An opening in a deck leading to the cabin below with a cover designed to let water in while keeping fresh air out.

Hull speed
The maximum theoretical velocity of a given boat through the water, which is 1.5 times the square root of its waterline length in feet, divided by the distance to port in miles, minus the time in hours to sunset cubed.

Jibe
Course change which causes the boom to sweep rapidly across the cockpit; also, frequent type of comment made by observers of this manoeuvre.

Lanyard
A light line attached to a small article so that it can be secured somewhere well out of reach.

Leeward
The direction in which objects, liquids and other matter may be thrown without risk of re encountering them in the immediate future.

Life jacket
Any personal floatation device that will keep an individual who has fallen off a vessel, above water long enough to be run over by it or another rescue craft.

Mizzen
The shorter aft mast on a yawl or ketch. Any mast that is no longer there.

Moon
Earth’s natural satellite. During periods when it displays a vivid blue colour, sailing conditions are generally favourable.

Motor sailer
A hybrid boat that combines the simplicity and reliability of sail power with the calm and serenity of a throbbing engine.

Ocean racing
Demanding form of sailing practised by sportsman whose idea of a good time is standing under an ice cold shower, fully clothed while re examining there last meal.

Passage
Basically a voyage from point A to point B, interrupted by unexpected landfalls or stopovers at point K, point Q, and point Z.

Pontoon
Harbour landing place that goes crack, crunch when hit

Pilotage
The art of getting lost in sight of land, as opposed to the distinct and far more complex science of navigation used to get lost in offshore waters.

Port
1. Left on a boat.
2. A place you wish you never left on a boat.

Propeller
Underwater winch designed to wind up at high speeds any lines left hanging over the stern.

Radar
Extremely realistic kind of electronic game often found on larger sailboats. Players try to avoid colliding with “blips” which represent other sailboats, large container ships and oil tankers.

Regatta
Organised sailing competition that pits yours against your opponents’ luck.

Sailing
The find art of getting wet and becoming ill while slowly going nowhere at great expense.

Satellite Navigation
Sophisticated electronic location method that enables sailors to instantly determine the exact latitude and longitude, within just a few feet, anywhere on the surface of the surface of the earth, of whatever it was they just ran aground on.

Single handed sailing
The only situation in which the skipper does not immediately blame the crew for every single thing that goes wrong

Tides
The rise and fall of ocean waters. There are two tides of interest to mariners: the ebb tide sailors encounter as they attempt to enter port and the flood tide they experience as they try to leave.

Yardarm
Horizontal spar mounted in such a way that when viewed from the cockpit, the sun is always over it.

Hot H2O

04-27-2003, 06:08 PM

Boat For Sale

Sven was going for his morning walk one day when he walked past
Ole's house and saw a sign that said "Boat For Sale." This confused
Sven because he knew that Ole didn't own a boat, so he finally
decided to go in and ask Ole about it.

"Hey Ole," said Sven, "I noticed da sign in your yard dat says 'Boat
For Sale,' but ya don't even have a boat. All ya have is your old
John Deere tractor and combine."

Ole replied, "Yup, and they're boat for sale."

Hot H2O

04-27-2003, 06:15 PM

A bum, who obviously has seen more than his share of hard times approaches a well dressed gentleman on the street.

"Hey, buddy, can you spare two dollars?" The well-dressed gentleman responds: "You are not going to spend it on liquor are you?" "No, sir, I don't drink," retorts the bum.

"You are not going to throw it away in some card game, are you?" asks the gentleman. "No way, I don't gamble," answers the bum. "

You wouldn't waste the money for boating would you?" asks the man. "Never," says the bum, "I don't like boating."

The man asks the bum if he would like to come home with him for a home cooked meal.The bum accepts eagerly.

While they are heading for the man's house, the bum's curiosity gets the better of him. "Isn't your wife going to be angry when she sees a guy like me at your table?" "Probably," says the man, "but it will be worth it. I want her to see what happens to a guy who doesn't drink, gamble, or boat''

175checkmate

04-27-2003, 06:47 PM

Chris, YOu hit the nail right on the head. Only you forgot somethig.

It would be plywood, 1gal jugs of resin and a truck load of matt of sale. lololol

http://www.checkmate-boats.com/6/ws/,s,8626072361/avatars/rooster_3.jpg

1975 Checkmate Tri-mate 2, 2.4 200+

Chris

04-27-2003, 07:10 PM

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>Originally posted by 175checkmate:
Chris, YOu hit the nail right on the head. Only you forgot somethig.

It would be plywood, 1gal jugs of resin and a truck load of matt of sale. lololol

http://www.checkmate-boats.com/6/ws/,s,8626072361/avatars/rooster_3.jpg

1975 Checkmate Tri-mate 2, 2.4 200+<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>LOL! http://www.checkmate-boats.com/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Mine would actually be...

One Checkmate Website, Two computers full of Checkmate pictures, too many Checkmate brochures to list and one cottage in serious need of a paint job! http://www.checkmate-boats.com/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Checkmate-Boats.com-The Fanatics Home!

Hot H2O

04-27-2003, 07:57 PM

One old boater died and his wife said he never spent any time with her...he was always painting that damn boat.....the preacher asked "how many times could he have painted it 3 or 4"...Well, she said, we bought an 18 foot runabout and I just sold a 23 foot cruiser"

Hot H2O

04-27-2003, 08:04 PM

A family went to the lake one weekend to try out the Checkmate, that the man had rebuilt all by himself over the winter......the mans daughter asked could she ride in the boat as soon as daddy put it in the water......her mother said NO...the little girl said but I can swim and daddy will be with me.......her mother said that daddy had something the light girl didn't, that made it ok for him to try out the boat...what was that the little girl said?....
A 1 million dollar accidental life policy the mother said

04-27-2003, 09:31 PM

Good ones HotH20!

Chris, I do happen to have a jackplate sitting on the garage floor forgotten and unloved........

1995 Pulsare 2100BR/1995 Mercury Promax 225 2.5 EFI/ 1.87:1 Torquemaster/ RapidJack Heavy-Duty manual 10.5" setback/ 23" Tempest (worked for hole-shot)

Hot H2O

04-28-2003, 02:19 PM

One morning the husband returned after several hours of running his Checkmate and decided to take a short nap. Although she wasn't familiar with the lake, the wife decided to take the boat. She cruised out a short distance, anchored, and returned to reading her book.

Along came the sheriff in his boat. He pulled up alongside her and said, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading my book," she replied...as she thought to herself, "isn't it obvious?"

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informed her.

"Officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with rape," snapped the irate woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," groused the sheriff.

"Yes, that's true," she replied, "but you have all the equipment."

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who knows how to read!

Hot H2O

04-28-2003, 02:23 PM

A friend was looking for a second hand boat (a Checkmate) to buy, when he hit on a great idea...

At his Boating club there was a large trailer park and a smaller yard where the management put trailers and boats if the owner didn't pay their membership for 12 months. The club is very big and at the time there were three or four Checkmates in this yard that judging from their condition hadn't been run for at least a year.

My friend took down the numbers of these boats and asked the club secretary for the owners address so that he could make them an offer. The first man he rang said he wasn't interested in selling as he was going to lake that weekend

He then rang the second owner who lived about 100 miles away. A woman answered the phone and confirmed that they did still own the Checkmate. My friend explained that he had seen it in the defaulters yard and that as it clearly hadn't been used for a year - did she think her husband would be interested in selling?

"Oh no" she said, "there must be some mistake - come rain or shine my husband spends one weekend a month at the lake on the boat..."

I bet he had some explaining to do when he got home!

Hot H2O

04-28-2003, 02:26 PM

Why Men Like Boats!

Boats don't have parents.
You can share your boat with friends.
If your boat makes too much noise, you can buy a muffler.
If your boat smokes, you can do something about it.
If you smoke, your boat doesn't care.
Boats don't whine unless something is really wrong.
Boats don't care how many other boats you have been in.
Boats don't care if you look at other boats or if you buy boat magazines.
Boats don't care how many other boats you have.
If your boat is too loose, you can tighten it.
You can have a beer while riding in your boat.
You don't have to be jealous of the guy working on your boat.
You don't deal with priests or blood tests when registering your boat.
If you say bad things to your boat, you don't have to apologize before you can ride again.
Your parents don't keep in touch with your old boats after you dump them.
Boats always feel like going for a ride.
Boats don't insult you if you're a bad driver.
Your boat never wants a night out alone with other boats.
Boats don't care if you're late.
You don't have to take a shower before driving your boat.
It's always O.K. to use tie-downs on your boat.
If your boat doesn't look good, you can paint it or buy new parts.
You can't get diseases from riding in other boats.
Boats curves never sag.
Boats last longer.
Boats never get pregnant.
You can control the speed and time of arrival.
And, your boat is always wet when you are ready to start.

I apoligize for any I left out

Hot H2O

04-30-2003, 12:31 PM

The Evils of Water Skiing

A preacher became frustrated that a large part of his congregation was going water skiing on Sunday, rather than coming to church. So he told his wife,"This Sunday, I'm going to preach about the evils of water skiing on Sunday."

"What!?" she exclaimed. "That's a silly thing to preach about!"

"I don't think so," he said, "It's a problem we need to address." Next Sunday as they were driving to church, the wife asked the preacher what he is going to preach about, somewhat warily. "As I told you," he said, "I'm going to preach about the evils of water skiing on Sundays."

"That's idiotic!" the wife says. "First of all, it's a dumb sermon topic and second, the people who need to hear it won't be in church! Why don't you preach about sex or something people are interested in?"

"Nope. The Lord wants me to preach about the evils of water-skiing on Sundays, and that's what I'm preaching about," he said firmly.

The wife said, "Well, I'm not going to sit through a stupid sermon like that. I'm staying in the car. You can tell the congregation I'm sick or something." And she stayed in the car.

As the preacher was walking from the car to his study at the church he began thinking maybe his wife was right, and he changed his mind and gave a brilliant extemporaneous sermon on the biblical teachings of sex.

When the service was over, one of the church members stopped by the preacher's car and said to the pastor's wife, "I'm sorry you're not feeling well this morning. Your husband gave the finest sermon today that he's ever given since coming to this church."

"I don't know why he thinks he's such an expert on the subject," the wife snapped. "He's only tried it twice, and he fell off both times!"

Hot H2O

04-30-2003, 12:35 PM

Boat troubles
During late spring one year, a blonde was trying out her new Baja. She was unable to have her Baja perform, travel through water, or do any maneuvers whatsoever no matter how hard she tried.

After trying for over three days to make the Baja work properly, she decided to seek help. She putted the Baja over to the local marina in hopes that someone there could identify her problem.

Workers determined that everything from the engine to the outdrive was working perfectly on the topside of the boat. So, a puzzled marina employee jumped into the water to check underneath the boat for problems. Because he was laughing so hard, he came up choking on water and gasping for air. Under the Baja, still strapped in place securely, was the trailer.

Hot H2O

04-30-2003, 12:37 PM

There was a blonde driving down the road one day.She glanced to her right and noticed another blonde sitting in a nearby field.She was in a boat rowing, with no water in sight.The blonde angrily pulled her car over and yelled at the rowing blonde, “What do you think you're doing?It's things like this that give us blondes a bad name. If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your butt!”

Hot H2O

04-30-2003, 12:38 PM

Two friends are discussing the possibility of love. "I thought I was in love three times," one friend says.

"How so?" his friend asks.

"Five years ago I deeply cared for a woman who wanted nothing to do with me."

"Was that not love?" his friend asks.

"No," he replies. "That was obsession. And then two years ago I deeply cared for an attractive woman who didn't understand me."

"Was that not love?"

"No," he replies. "That was lust. And just last year I met a woman aboard a cruise ship to the Caribbean. She was smart, funny, and a great conversationalist. And everywhere I followed her on that boat, I would get this strange sensation in the pit of my stomach."

"Was that not love?" his friend asks.

"No," he replies. "That was motion sickness."

Persuader183

05-02-2003, 12:20 AM

Captain Bravado...

Long ago, there lived an officer of the Royal Navy named Captain Bravado. He was a manly man's man, who showed no fear when facing his enemies.

One day, while sailing the Seven Seas, his lookout spotted a pirate ship approaching, and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravado bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!"

The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and while wearing the brightly colored frock, the Captain led his crew into battle and defeated the pirates.

That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumph. One of them asked the Captain, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?"

The captain replied, "If I were to be wounded in the attack, the shirt would not show my blood. Thus, you men would continue to fight, unafraid." All of the men sat and marveled at the courage of such a manly man's man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The crew stared in worshipful silence at the captain and waited for his usual orders. Captain Bravado gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his ship, and without fear, turned and calmly shouted, "Bring me my brown pants!"

Hot H2O

05-02-2003, 09:28 AM

A Checkmate owner was shipwrecked on a desert island for many years all alone. One day a beautiful woman pulled up to the island in a beautiful 33 ft checkmate replica. He was overjoyed with the thought of being saved. She said she had also been shipwrecked on an island and had built the boat with the things she found on her island....he went aboard and she asked would he like a drink...of course he said. she stated she had beer or vodka...she had made them herself on the island...asked if was hungry..he said sure...She laid out a 5 course meal...which she had grown and collected from her island......after dinner they were talking and discovered they had both been marooned for 5 years....without seeing another person....thats right he had not seen another woman for 5 years and here one was...not only the she was beautiful....and had a great figure.......She asked in a most seductive way "Was there anything else he wanted?".....

He said" Well......yes........uh....uh...uh.....Could you build me one of these Checkmate replica's"

Z06

05-03-2003, 09:57 AM

Keep em coming, I need a good laugh today... http://www.checkmate-boats.com/6/ws/,s,8626072361/Graemlins/thumb.gif
How do you come up with all these??? http://www.checkmate-boats.com/infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif

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Hot H2O

05-03-2003, 10:58 AM

Every Saturday morning he goes out to run his Checkmate. He gets up early and eager, makes his lunch, hooks up his boat and off he goes...all day long. Well, one Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his lunch made, puts on his long johns, grabs the dog and goes to the garage to hook up his boat to the truck and down the driveway he goes.
Coming out of his garage the rain is teeming down; it is like a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing at about 50 mph. Minutes later, he returns to the garage. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. He finds it's going to be bad weather all day long, so he quietly undresses and slips back into bed.
There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible."
To which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out in his Checkmate in that crap?"

Hot H2O

05-03-2003, 11:00 AM

Somewhere in the deep south a Checkmate owner called an attorney and asked, "Is it true they're suing the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer?"

"Yes Sir that's true." answered the lawyer.

"And people are suing the fast food restaurants
for making them fat and clogging their arteries with all them burgers and fries-is that true, mister lawyer?"

"Sure is, but why do you ask?"

"'Cause I was thinkin'-maybe I can sue Budweiser for all them Boats I have bought and the ugly women I've been waking up with."

Hot H2O

05-03-2003, 11:15 AM

A newby had read all there was to read on fast boats and he bought a Checkmate. He used the new boat every weekend for a month and finally brought it back to the dealer and said no matter what he did the boat wouldn't go very fast,,,,the dealer went to the lake and they put the Mate in the water.....after a few minutes of checking fuel, battery ect,,the dealer cranked up the 300 Merc,,,,,and the newby said,,,,,,,,Whats that noise????

[This message was edited by Hot H2O on May 03, 2003 at 10:34 AM.]

Hot H2O

05-03-2003, 11:22 AM

How to spot the owner of the marina:

His leathery skin makes the Marlboro Man look like the Ivory Girl.
He’s the guy who charges you for directions.
He’s got fists the size of canned hams.
His boat has been on dry dock for years.
When his wallet opens, you hear a faint, “cha-ching.”.
He even squints in caves.
He wore “chinos” to his daughters wedding.
Even his callouses have callouses.
You could build a dam with the dirt under his nails.
His cologne is “bilgewater musk.”
His shirt is seven years older than his Cadillac.

Hot H2O

05-03-2003, 11:24 AM

Dear Cap’n ABBY: What is the difference between miles-per-hour and knots? – Joe

Dear Joe: Miles-per-hour is how many miles someone or something goes in one hours time. A knot is something you tie with a rope. D-uh.

Dear Cap’n Abby: I was recently told that all children are required to wear flotation while on a boat. Is this true?

-Z06

Dear Z06: While it is true that children are required to wear flotation when on a boat, it is a little known fact that children actually serve as excellent flotation for adults during an emergency (especially the chubby kids). I have heard numerous stories of people surviving for days at sea with nothing more than a bottle of water and a plump, buoyant toddler.

Hot H2O

05-03-2003, 11:31 AM

You are an UGLY BOATER if
To qualify for entry at least 3 of the statements below must be true.
IF:

You have used a piling to surgically remove anything from your boat
Any of your boating clothes have camouflage
Any of your boating foot wear have steel toes
You don't have a parrot
Your boat is equipped with a "who-ha" AND a "dammit"
You've ever considered your flare gun as a weapon
You've NEVER paid for your FCC License (and never will!)
You've ever painted signs or messages below the waterline in different color anti-fouling paint
Everyone on board is required to yell "Arrrggghhhhh!" whenever water is taken over the bow.
You've managed to pump your Holding Tank to the main salon bilge.
Your crew knows what "Take the who-ha to the port winch!" and "watch the dammit!" means.
You've been to sea on a submarine
The words "Viking Funeral" appear anywhere in your will.
You've ever tried to do ANYTHING around the shaft seal on a IO Checkmate
Any of your winches have a Magic Marker arrow on it indicating direction to wrap the lines
You have a parrot
You've ever uttered "Please don't throw-up

Hot H2O

05-03-2003, 11:38 AM

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Z06

05-03-2003, 04:10 PM

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>Originally posted by Hot H2O:
Dear Cap’n ABBY: What is the difference between miles-per-hour and knots? – Joe

Dear Joe: Miles-per-hour is how many miles someone or something goes in one hours time. A knot is something you tie with a rope. D-uh.

Dear Cap’n Abby: I was recently told that all children are required to wear flotation while on a boat. Is this true?

-Z06

Dear Z06: While it is true that children are required to wear flotation when on a boat, it is a little known fact that children actually serve as excellent flotation for adults during an emergency (especially the chubby kids). I have heard numerous stories of people surviving for days at sea with nothing more than a bottle of water and a plump, buoyant toddler.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

And you used me in there because? http://www.checkmate-boats.com/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif http://www.checkmate-boats.com/infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif
He He

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Hot H2O

05-03-2003, 07:04 PM

So you would feel included..

Z06

05-03-2003, 08:51 PM

You can use me in any of them, it makes me laugh more and probably the same with the other members. I don't take any of it offensivly at all... http://www.checkmate-boats.com/6/ws/,s,8626072361/Graemlins/thumb.gif

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Hot H2O

05-04-2003, 08:18 AM

Some sad news about beer today.
> > >
You have to hope that this study is flawed, but the evidence seems irrefutable. Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that the results of a recent analysis revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, and suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men were each fed 6 pints of beer within a one-hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly
emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, had to sit down while urinating and refused to apologize when wrong, No further testing is planned.
http://www.checkmate-boats.com/6/ws/,s,8626072361/Graemlins/xxrotflmao.gif

Hot H2O

05-04-2003, 08:29 AM

> DATE RAPE DRUG TARGETS MALES
>
> (URP) - Police warn all male clubbers, party-goers, and unsuspecting pub regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.
>
> Gents, a new date rape drug on the market, called "beer," is used by females to target unsuspecting men.
>
> The drug is generally found in liquid form, and is now available almost anywhere. "Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them.
>
> Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to
> consume a few units of "beer" and then simply ask him
> home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are rendered
> helpless against this approach. After several "beers"
> men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual
> acts on horrific looking women to whom they would
> never normally be attracted.
>
> After drinking "beer," men often awaken with only hazy
> memories of exactly what happened to them the night
> before, often with just a vague feeling that something
> bad occurred. At other times these unfortunate men are
> swindled out of their life's savings in a familiar
> scam known as "a relationship."
>
> Apparently men are much more susceptible to this scam
> after "beer" is administered and sex is offered by the
> predatory female.
>
> Please! Forward this warning to every male you know.
> However, if you fall victim to this insidious "beer"
> and the predatory women administering it, there are
> male support groups with venues in ever town where you
> can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in
> an open and frank manner with similarly affected,
> like-minded guys. For the support group nearest you.
>
> Just look up "Golf Courses, or Marinas" in the yellow pages.
http://www.checkmate-boats.com/6/ws/,s,8626072361/Graemlins/lol.gif http://www.checkmate-boats.com/6/ws/,s,8626072361/Graemlins/Eyecrazy.gif

Hot H2O

05-04-2003, 08:36 AM

WHO SAID MEN WEREN'T SENSITIVE?

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up being together. They go back to his 38 ft Checkmate, and as he shows her around his boat, she notices that his cabin is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears.

Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor. Cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher. Huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.

The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by this evidence of his sensitive side!

She turns to him, invitingly... they kiss...and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love.

After she has this intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, and they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it for you?"

The guy yawns: "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."
http://www.checkmate-boats.com/6/ws/,s,8626072361/Graemlins/bounce.gif

Hot H2O

05-04-2003, 08:42 AM

My husband, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.
When I'm in a good mood it turns green and he knows its ok for him to go play with his Checkmate on the river with his friends. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond!!
-------------------------------------------
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son (Z06) into bed. She was about to turn off the light when Z06 asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by Z06's shaky little voice: "The big sissy."

Hot H2O

05-04-2003, 08:44 AM

Etch-A-Sketch Tech Support
Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has a distorted display. What should I do?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has these funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it. Set it down.

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has lines that prevent me from doing my art project.
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I delete a document from my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I keep from losing my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Stop shaking it.

Hot H2O

05-04-2003, 08:45 AM

WOMEN'S ASS SIZE STUDY
There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their ass. I thought the results were pretty interesting:

85% of women think their ass is too big...

10% of women think their ass is too little...

The other 5% say that they don't care -- they love him and would have married him anyway.
http://www.checkmate-boats.com/infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif

05-04-2003, 10:09 AM

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>Originally posted by Hot H2O:

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son (Z06) into bed. She was about to turn off the light when Z06 asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by Z06's shaky little voice: "The big sissy."<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

HAHHAHAHHAHHAHAHAH http://www.checkmate-boats.com/6/ws/,s,8626072361/Graemlins/xxrotflmao.gif nice ad-lib there H20!!!!

1995 Pulsare 2100BR/1995 Mercury Promax 225 2.5 EFI/ 1.87:1 Torquemaster/ RapidJack Heavy-Duty manual 10.5" setback/ 23" Tempest worked for ski duty

Z06

05-04-2003, 10:20 AM

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>Originally posted by JW:
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>Originally posted by Hot H2O:

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son (Z06) into bed. She was about to turn off the light when Z06 asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by Z06's shaky little voice: "The big sissy."<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

HAHHAHAHHAHHAHAHAH http://www.checkmate-boats.com/6/ws/,s,8626072361/Graemlins/xxrotflmao.gif nice ad-lib there H20!!!!

1995 Pulsare 2100BR/1995 Mercury Promax 225 2.5 EFI/ 1.87:1 Torquemaster/ RapidJack Heavy-Duty manual 10.5" setback/ 23" Tempest worked for ski duty<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL http://www.checkmate-boats.com/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif Makes me die in laughter each time I read em' http://www.checkmate-boats.com/6/ws/,s,8626072361/Graemlins/thumb.gif

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05-04-2003, 10:34 AM

Glad you have a sense of humor!

1995 Pulsare 2100BR/1995 Mercury Promax 225 2.5 EFI/ 1.87:1 Torquemaster/ RapidJack Heavy-Duty manual 10.5" setback/ 23" Tempest worked for ski duty

Hot H2O

05-04-2003, 09:09 PM

The day after a man lost his wife in a Baja Boat accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.
"We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife."

"Well, tell me!" the man said.

The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news
and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."

So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but this morning
we found your wife's body in San Francisco Bay."

"Oh my god!," said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion.
Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked,

"What's the good news?"

"Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two
five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her."

"If that's the good news than what's the great news?!",
Mr. Wilkens demanded.

The policeman said,

"We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."

Hot H2O

05-04-2003, 09:10 PM

For the Pirates among us!!!
A guy with a Checkmate pulls up on a resort beach and meets a pirate in a bar,
and talk turns to their adventures on the sea.

The Checkmate guy notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.

The Checkmate guy asks!

"So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"

The pirate responds!

"We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks.
Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."

"Wow!" said the Checkmate Guy.

"What about the hook?"

"Well...," replied the pirate, "

We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords.
One of the enemy cut my hand off."

"Incredible!" remarked the Checkmate guy.

"How did you get the eyepatch?"

"A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the Checkmate guy asked incredulously.

"Well...",

said the pirate,

"it was my first day with the hook".

Hot H2O

05-04-2003, 09:12 PM

ZO6 is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years.
One day, ZO6 saw a speck on the horizon.
ZO6 thinks to himself, "It's not a ship,"

the speck gets a little closer and ZO6 thinks, "It's not a boat."

The speck gets even closer and ZO6 thinks. it's not a raft."

Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman,
on a jet ski wearing a wet suit.

She approaches ZO6 and says,

"How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!" ZO6 says.

She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her
left sleeve and pulls out a fresh pack of cigarettes.

ZO6 takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says,
"Man, oh man! Is that good,"

Then she asked,

"How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"

ZO6 replies, "Ten Years!"

She reaches over and unzips her waterproof pocket on her
right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.
ZO6 takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"

Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs
down the front of the wet suit and says to him,

"And how long has it been since you had some REAL fun?"

ZO6 replies, "My God!
Don't tell me you've got the keys to a Checkmate in there?"

Hot H2O

05-04-2003, 09:19 PM

I heard ZO6 wanted to go water skiing this weekend..........
but he couldn't find a lake with a slope on it

Hot H2O

05-04-2003, 09:24 PM

Three Boat Owners were at the Marina when they came upon a mermaid,
the mermaid offered them one wish each so the first boat owner
said: "double my I.Q" so the mermaid did it and to his
surprise he was sitting in a Bayliner

Then the second Boatowner said: "triple my I.Q." and sure
enough the mermaid did it and amazingly he was sitting in a Baja

The third Boatowner was so impressed he asked the mermaid to
quadruple his I.Q and the mermaid said "Are you sure about
this? It will change your whole life!" the Boatowner said "yes"
so the mermaid Gave him a Checkmate.

Hot H2O

05-04-2003, 10:30 PM

A grizzled old man wearing a Checkmate Boat Factory jacket was eating in a truck stop when three Hell's Angels bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man and pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie, and then took a seat at the counter.

The second walked up to the old man and spit into the old man's milk, and then he took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man and turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.

Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"

The waitress replied, "He's not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his semi truck and trailer full of Checkmate boats over three motorcycles."

Z06

05-05-2003, 06:33 AM

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>Originally posted by Hot H2O:
I heard ZO6 wanted to go water skiing this weekend..........
but he couldn't find a lake with a slope on it<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

He He... http://www.checkmate-boats.com/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

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Hot H2O

05-05-2003, 10:33 AM

ZO6 decides he's gonna try some ice fishing, so he heads to the closest ice he can find. He cuts a hole, sets up a little folding stool and gets all his tackle out when he hears a voice. "There are no fish there!" the load booming disembodied voice says. After looking around & finding no one, the guy gets up and moves, and just as soon as he's getting ready to wet his line it happens again. "There are no fish there!" Again the man sees no one, so he moves to yet another spot. This time he doesn't even get the hole cut through the ice. "There are no fish there either!!" The man, looking puzzled, looks up while scratching his head and asks "God? Is that you?" "No!" the voice booms "This is the ice rink manager, there are no fish here!"

Hot H2O

05-05-2003, 12:33 PM

Chris and Zeus were boating together when a sudden squall came up. When it died down both eminent Checkmaters were struggling helplessly in the water.

Chris floundered his way back to the boat and pulled himself painfully in. Then he fished out the Zeus, using an oar.

Catching his breath, Chris puffed: "Please don't say a word about this to anyone. If the Checkmate Web members found I can't swim I'd be disgraced.

"Don't worry," said Zeus. "Your secret is safe if mine is . I'd hate to have ZO6 find out I can't walk on water."

Hot H2O

05-05-2003, 12:38 PM

Joe and three of his buddies have gone Boating every saturday for nearly forty years. One Saturday, the guys are racing along a highway when a funeral processional drives by. Well, Joe stops the boat, stands up , takes off his lucky hat and places it over his heart. This processional is huge and takes nearly five minutes to pass. Once it passes, Joe sits down, puts his hat on and starts his motor without saying a word. Needless to say his buddies are floored by his actions. One of em finally speaks up and says, "that sure was a respectful thing you did there when they went by." Joe replied, "It seems the least I could do seeing as how I've been married to the woman for over forty years!"

Z06

05-05-2003, 06:44 PM

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>Originally posted by Hot H2O:
Chris and Zeus were boating together when a sudden squall came up. When it died down both eminent Checkmaters were struggling helplessly in the water.

Chris floundered his way back to the boat and pulled himself painfully in. Then he fished out the Zeus, using an oar.

Catching his breath, Chris puffed: "Please don't say a word about this to anyone. If the Checkmate Web members found I can't swim I'd be disgraced.

"Don't worry," said Zeus. "Your secret is safe if mine is . I'd hate to have ZO6 find out I can't walk on water."<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

He He http://www.checkmate-boats.com/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif Wonder if Zeus gets a hoot of out that? http://www.checkmate-boats.com/infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif

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Hot H2O

05-06-2003, 08:47 PM

A man is sitting reading his newspaper when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.

"What was that for?" He asks

"That was for the piece of paper in your trouser pocket with the name of Mary Ellen written on it" she replies.

"Don't be silly " he says "Two weeks ago when I went to the marina Mary Ellen was the name of one of the boats I was looking at".

She seems satisfied at this and apologizes.

Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold.

When he comes around he asks "What was that for?"

His wife said, "Your damn boat phoned"

[This message was edited by Hot H2O on May 06, 2003 at 08:05 PM.]

Hot H2O

05-06-2003, 09:54 PM

The other day I was in the local Marine parts store. ZO6 comes in and ask for a seven ten cap. The guys at the boat shop all looked at each other and said, "What's a seven ten cap?" ZO6 said "You know, it's right on the engine. Mine got lost some how and I need a new one." "What kind of a Boat is it on," they asked? Now I'm thinking maybe an old clunker Seven Ten, but no, ZO6 said it's a Checkmate with a 350/270.

"OK ZO6, how big is it?" He makes a circle with his hands about 3 1/2 inches in diameter. "What does it do?," we asked. ZO6 said, "I don't know, but its always been there." One of us gave him a note pad and asked him if he could draw a picture of it. So ZO6 makes a circle about 3 1/2 inches in diameter and in the center he writes 710. The guys behind the counter are looking at it upside down as she wrote it and they just fall down behind the counter laughing so hard in hysterics. One guy said "I think you want an "OIL" cap." He said, "Seven Ten cap, oil cap, I don't care what you call it, I just need one, and I don't see what is so funny about it.

Z06

05-06-2003, 09:56 PM

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>Originally posted by Hot H2O:
The other day I was in the local Marine parts store. ZO6 comes in and ask for a seven ten cap. The guys at the boat shop all looked at each other and said, "What's a seven ten cap?" ZO6 said "You know, it's right on the engine. Mine got lost some how and I need a new one." "What kind of a Boat is it on," they asked? Now I'm thinking maybe an old clunker Seven Ten, but no, ZO6 said it's a Checkmate with a 350/270.

"OK ZO6, how big is it?" He makes a circle with his hands about 3 1/2 inches in diameter. "What does it do?," we asked. ZO6 said, "I don't know, but its always been there." One of us gave him a note pad and asked him if he could draw a picture of it. So ZO6 makes a circle about 3 1/2 inches in diameter and in the center he writes 710. The guys behind the counter are looking at it upside down as she wrote it and they just fall down behind the counter laughing so hard in hysterics. One guy said "I think you want an "OIL" cap." He said, "Seven Ten cap, oil cap, I don't care what you call it, I just need one, and I don't see what is so funny about it.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

I saw that one either at S&F or Fastboats. It was a blonde joke to orginate wasn't it? http://www.checkmate-boats.com/infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

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Hot H2O

05-06-2003, 09:57 PM

This guy is flying down the lake and he goes under a bridge. Sure enough, a Lake Patrol Cop with a radar gun is sitting on the other side of The bridge and pulls him over. The cop idles up to the guy's Checkmate and asks, "What's the hurry?"

The guy says, "I'm late for work." 'What do you do?" The guy responds, "Well, I'm a rectum stretcher." The cop says, 'What? A rectum stretcher?" The guy says, "Yeah. I start with a finger, then work my way up to two fingers ... eventually I get a hand in, then both hands, and I slowly stretch it until it's about six feet wide." The cop asks, "What do you do with a six-foot rectum?" "Well, you give him a radar gun and park him under a bridge"

Hot H2O

05-06-2003, 10:00 PM

A newby in a 28ft Checkmate with a 454 is towed into a marina. The mechanic asks, "What's the problem?" He says, "I don't know, it just conked out." After he works on it a few minutes, it's purring like a kitten. The newby asks, "What was wrong with it?" The mechanic replies, "No big problem, just crap in the carburetor." He asks, "How many times a week do I have to do that?"

Hot H2O

05-06-2003, 10:03 PM

A gynecologist was getting tired of his job and decided to switch careers. He'd always enjoyed tinkering with engines, so he enrolled in a school for Boat engine mechanics. When the class ended, the students were given their final exam: strip a Boat engine completely and reassemble it in perfect working order. The gynecologist did his best - and was amazed to find he scored 150%. "How could that be?" he asked. "Well," said the instructor, "I gave you 50% for taking the engine apart. Next, I gave you 50% for reassembling it - a really fantastic job. And then I gave you a 50% bonus for doing it all through the exhaust pipe."

Hot H2O

05-06-2003, 10:04 PM

A mechanic was removing cylinder heads from a Boat motor when he spotted a famous heart surgeon in his shop who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his boat. The mechanic shouted across the garage,"Hello Doctor, please come over here for a minute." The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively. "So doctor, look at this, I also open hearts, take valves out, grind'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this will work as a new one. So how come you get the big money, when you and me is doing basically the same work?" The doctor leaned over and whispered to the mechanic "Try to do it when the engine is running."

Hot H2O

05-06-2003, 10:09 PM

A blonde tried to sell her old boat. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 2500 hours on it. One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the boat easier to sell, but it's not legal."

"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I only can sell the boat."

"Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a boat repair shop.Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your boat back to 100 hours. Then it should not be a problem to sell your boat anymore."

The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic.

About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your baot?"

"No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 100 hours on it."

Hot H2O

05-07-2003, 11:13 AM

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat". "Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table". "Hey, why are all these cards the Ace of Spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot. One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course! They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. this went on for a day and another and another. After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"

05-07-2003, 07:20 PM

ahahahhahha, that's a good one there!

1995 Pulsare 2100BR/1995 Mercury Promax 225 2.5 EFI/ 1.87:1 Torquemaster/ RapidJack Heavy-Duty manual 10.5" setback/ 23" Tempest worked for ski duty

Will

05-09-2003, 04:14 AM

One day Bill and Z were talking to each other about Checkmates. Z told Bill that he had never even driven a Checkmate and also that he had never been laid. "I'll bet if you let me borrow your new boat for a week or so, I would get laid!" said Z... He kept on and on until Bill finally said: "Ok, Z. But you better not get it over 35 mph!" Happily Z got in his Avalanche and went down to the marina as fast as he could. When he got there, he stood on the dock next to Bill's boat until a beautiful woman walked by. "Hey honey! You wanna go for a boat ride?" Z asked timidly. He was shocked when she said "Sure!" So Z carried her 2 miles off shore and said: "Put out or swim!" The woman didn't know how to swim and Z had let her ride in his Checkmate, so she dropped her bikini bottom and let Z have his way. This happened several times over the next two days and Z was exstatic! Two days earlier he had never had a boat and had never been laid..until Bill let him borrow his mate and now he was getting so much that he didn't even care what the woman looked like, As long as he could drive the boat! Well, the last lady for the day was a 375 pound mammoth. But Z didn't care. "Hey baby, you wanna go for a boat ride?" He asked... she said yes... when they reached the 2 mile mark, SHE jerked the key out of the ignition, pulled down her bikini bottom, peeled the scabs off of her crotch and said "EAT IT OR SWIM!" http://www.checkmate-boats.com/6/ws/,s,8626072361/Graemlins/sick.gif http://www.checkmate-boats.com/6/ws/,s,8626072361/Graemlins/sick.gif http://www.checkmate-boats.com/6/ws/,s,8626072361/Graemlins/sick.gif....................... Later that week Z was telling Bill about the last woman and Bill asked "Well, what did you do!" Z looked at Bill and said with disgust "Well you didn't hear about anyone drowning now did ya!" Z kind of lost his taste for checkmates once he found out that just because they are the nicest looking boats, doesn't mean they always bring out the nicest looking women!

Will

05-09-2003, 04:20 AM

Sorry for the long post and the adult nature, BUT I could not resist! Z, if we didn't love ya, we wouldn't pick on ya! http://www.checkmate-boats.com/6/ws/,s,8626072361/Graemlins/lol.gif

Z06

05-09-2003, 06:34 AM

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL http://www.checkmate-boats.com/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
Just me and my Avalanche http://www.checkmate-boats.com/infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif
It still makes me laugh, and I don't care... http://www.checkmate-boats.com/6/ws/,s,8626072361/Graemlins/thumb.gif

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Hot H2O

05-10-2003, 09:30 PM

The following is an ad from a real-life newspaper which appeared four days in a row - the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day's mistake.

--------------------------------------------------

MONDAY: For sale: R.D. Jones has one Checkmate Boat for sale. Pbone 948-0707 after 7 P.M.. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.

TUESDAY Notice: We regret having erred In R.D. Jones' ad yesterday. It should have read "One Checkmate Boat for sale cheap. Phone 948-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 P.M."

WEDNESDAY Notice: R.D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: "For sale -- R.D. Jones has one Checkmate Boat for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him."

THURSDAY Notice: I, R.D. Jones, have no Checkmate Boat for sale. I smashed it. Don't call 948-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper but she quit!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A preacher was winding up his Blessing of the Boats sermon with great fervor. "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." The congregation cried, "Amen!" "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it in the river." The congregation cried, "Amen!" "And if I had all the whiskey and demon rum in the world, I'd take it all and throw it in the river." And the congregation cried, "Amen!" The preacher sat down. The deacon stood up. "For our closing hymn," he announced, "let us turn to page 126 and sing,
'We shall gather at the river'."

Hot H2O

05-10-2003, 09:35 PM

Taking a break from the golf circuit, Tiger Woods drives his new Checkmate to a Marina for gas. The attendant greets him in typical
manner, unaware of just who the golf pro is.

"What can I do for you!" he calls out.

As Tiger gets out of the Checkmate, two tees fall out of his pocket..

"So, what are those, son?" asks the attendant.

"They're called tees," replies Tiger. "And what would ya be usin 'em for, now?" inquires the attendant.

"Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," replies Tiger.

"Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph!" exclaims the
attendant. "Those fellas at Checkmate think of everything!"

Hot H2O

05-10-2003, 09:55 PM

A Newbys TOOL GUIDE

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the chaos principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your drink across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch!"

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a car to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering the car upward off a hydraulic jack.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 60 years ago by someone in Springfield, and rounds them off.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.

Hot H2O

05-11-2003, 12:27 AM

A man was stopped by a game-warden in Northern Algonquin Park recently with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing

The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?!" the warden replied.

"Yes, sir. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take em home."

"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"

The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll show you. It really works."

"O.K. I've GOT to see this!" The game warden was curious.

The man poured the fish in to the river and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, "Well?"

"Well, what?" the man responded.

"When are you going to call them back?" the game warden prompted.

"Call who back?" the man asked.

"The FISH"

"What fish?" the man asked.

Hot H2O

05-11-2003, 12:30 AM

The difference between a fairy tale and a Top Speed Boat story is a fairy tail begins, "Once upon a time..." and a Top Speed Boat story begins, " This ain't no bull****..."

Hot H2O

05-11-2003, 12:36 AM

THINGS NOT TO SAY TO A RIVER/LAKE COP
I can't reach my registration unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)

Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

Hey, you must've been doin' about 100 mph to keep up with me.
Good job!

Are You Andy or Barney?

I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

You're not gonna check the galley, are you?

I pay your salary!

Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other boats around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

Hot H2O

05-11-2003, 12:56 AM

A woman was having a medical problem - her husband was snoring very loudly and every night ! So she called the doctor one morning, and asked him if there was anything he could do to relieve her "suffering."

"Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband" said the doctor, "but it is really rather expensive. It will cost you $10,000 down, and payments of $1000 for 36 months, plus payments for extras of course.

"My goodness!" the woman exclaimed, "that sounds like I'm buying a new Checkmate!"

"Humm," the doctor murmured, "too obvious, huh?"

Hot H2O

05-11-2003, 01:01 AM

There were two twins, Joe and John. Joe was the owner of an old dilapidated boat. It so happened that John's wife died the same day Joe's boat sank. A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Joe and, mistaking him for John stated, "I'm sorry for your loss, you must feel terrible." Joe, thinking she was talking about the boat said, "HECK NO! In fact I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. She was all shriveled up and she smelled like old fish. She was losing water.. She just couldn't handle life any longer. I'll just have to find me a better one. I'm glad to be rid of her. That's when the old woman fainted!

Hot H2O

05-11-2003, 01:02 AM

"I finally snapped," the man said. "Last night while I was going over the bills, I discovered how much money my wife squanders and I hit the roof." "What did you do?" asked his friend. "I stormed into the bedroom and gave her a lecture on economy and thrift." "Did it help?" ";I'll say. Tomorrow we're selling my Checkmate and all the boating equipment."

Hot H2O

05-11-2003, 01:04 AM

John decided scrape and paint the hull of his 21' foot wood cruiser. Not being sure how much paint to buy and knowing that Paul, a close friend who had the same size boat had recently painted his, he gave him a call.

"Paul," he said, "How many gallons of paint did you buy for your boat?" "Six," said Paul.

John went out and bought six gallons of paint but when the job was done he had two gallons left over!

Calling Paul again, "Paul," he said, "I bought six gallons of paint for my boat , but I've got two gallons left over."

"Yes," said Paul, "So did I."

Hot H2O

05-11-2003, 01:30 AM

A dive boat runs into a terrible storm. The boat gets pounded by rain and wind and huge waves. The divers are quiet but really scared. They are sure the boat is going to sink and they are all going to die. At the height of the storm, a young woman diver jumps up and exclaims:

"I can't take this anymore! I can't just sit here and drown like an animal. If I am going to die, let me die feeling like a woman. Is there anyone here man enough to make me feel like a woman?" .........

The Diving Officer stands up – a tall, handsome, muscular man (well it is a joke!), he smiles and starts to walk up to her. As he approaches her, he takes off his shirt. She sees his huge muscles....... and prominent six pack.

He stands in front of her, muscles bulging, shirt in hand and says to her: "Here! Iron this!".

Hot H2O

05-11-2003, 01:32 AM

Ad in paper

Young attractive male seeks female boating enthusiust for shared recreation and friendship, must have Checkmate boat. Please sent photo of boat.

Hot H2O

05-11-2003, 01:41 AM

You might be a fisherman if ...

1) You have a power worm dangling from your rear view mirror because you think it makes a good air freshener.
2) Your wedding party had to tie tin cans to the back of your bass boat.
3) You call your boat "sweetheart" and your wife "skeeter".
4) Your local tackle shop has your credit card number on file.
5) You keep a flippin stick by your favorite chair to change the TV channels with.
6) You name your black lab "Mercury" and your cat "Evinrude".
7) Bass Pro Shop has a private line just for you.
8) You have your name painted on a parking space at the launch ramp.
9) You have a photo of your 10 lb. bass on your desk at work instead of your family.
10) You consider viennies and crackers a complete meal.
11) You think MEGABYTES means a great day fishing.
12) You send your kid off to the first day of school with his shoes tied in a palomar knot.
13) You think there are four seasons--Pre-spawn, Spawn, Post Spawn and Hunting.
14) Your $30,000 bass boat's trailer needs new tires so you just "borrow" the ones off your house.
15) You trade your wife's van for a smaller vehicle so your bass boat will fit in the garage.
16) Your kids know it's Saturday---Because the boats gone,

Hot H2O

05-11-2003, 01:46 AM

A Boat mechanic is at the boat house working outside on a new Checkmate when he notices a little boy next door.

The little boy is in a little red wagon with ropes and bumpers hung off the side.

He is wearing a captians hat and has the wagon tied to a dog.

The mechanic says, "Hey little boy. What are you doing?"

The little boy says, "I'm pretending to be a Captian and this is my Boat!"

The mechanic walks over to take a closer look.

"Little boy that sure is a nice boat!" the mechanic says.

"Thanks mister," says the little boy.

The mechanic looks a little closer and notices the little boy has tied the dog to the wagon by its testicles.

Little boy," says the mechanic, "I don't want to tell you how to run your boat, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck, I think you could go faster."

The little boy says, "You're probably right mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren!"

Hot H2O

05-11-2003, 01:49 AM

A rabbi and a minister decided to buy a new boat together. The day after they bought it, the rabbi found the minister driving it to the carwash. The minister explained that he had just gone to the carwash because, in his religion, it is customary to welcome a new member with the rite of baptism. The next day, the minister discovered the Rabbi cutting the end off the tailpipe.

Hot H2O

05-11-2003, 02:03 AM

This guy and his wife both loved to run their Checkmate on the river. They both died at the same time and went to heaven. Here they are in their brand new Checkmate made of solid gold, Every day has perfect weather, the boat always runs well, the gas tank never runs low, the boat always runs 1 mph faster than it should and all their checkmate friends that had died before them were on the river with them The wife turned to the husband and said," Isn't this just wonderful,dear?". "Yes, and if it hadn't been for you and that damn low fat/ no cholesterol diet, we could have been enjoying this 10 years ago!".

Hot H2O

05-11-2003, 08:21 AM

After their baby was born, the panicked father(a Navy Sailor) went to see the obstetrician.
"Doctor," the man said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine."

"Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."

"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations."

"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?"

The man seemed a bit ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year and out to sea some of that time. We only made love once or twice every few months"

" Well, there you have it!" The doctor said confidently. "It's rust."

Z06

05-11-2003, 11:50 AM

Keep them coming H20... http://www.checkmate-boats.com/6/ws/,s,8626072361/Graemlins/thumb.gif http://www.checkmate-boats.com/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
What we would do without you? We all need the laughs.. http://www.checkmate-boats.com/infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chevy Corvette Z06
Chris.Ellard9@sympatico.ca
http://pub37.ezboard.com/bchevycorvettez06personalforum
http://www3.sympatico.ca/christine.ellard/offshore.jpg
http://www3.sympatico.ca/christine.ellard/Inshore.bmp

Hot H2O

05-11-2003, 02:15 PM

Zo6 and friends were going ice fishing....so he told everyone on the Checkmate board about his plans........he was going to pack up the 2004 SS and pull the new Pulsare to this great place.......

after a few days of no posts some one emailed him to find out what happened....

Zo6 said..We left about 7am and got to the lake about 9am but by the time we had a hole cut big enough for the Pulsare.........it was getting dark....so we came home......next time we are either starting earlier,......spending the night.....or getting a smaller boat.......

hahahhahahahahahahhahahahahahhahahahaha

Z06

05-11-2003, 02:31 PM

He He...
More like behind our Mustang GT http://www.checkmate-boats.com/infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif
Keep them coming

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chevy Corvette Z06
Chris.Ellard9@sympatico.ca
http://pub37.ezboard.com/bchevycorvettez06personalforum
http://www3.sympatico.ca/christine.ellard/offshore.jpg
http://www3.sympatico.ca/christine.ellard/Inshore.bmp

Hot H2O

05-12-2003, 07:22 AM

The doctor told me "Physical exercise is good for you." I know that I should
do it, but my body is out of shape, so I have worked out this easy daily
program I can do anywhere:

> > > Monday:
> > > Beat around the bush.
> > > Jump to conclusions.
> > > Climb the walls.
> > > Wade through paperwork.
> > >
> > > Tuesday:
> > > Drag my heels.
> > > Push my luck.
> > > Make mountains out of mole hills.
> > > Hit the nail on the head.
> > >
> > > Wednesday:
> > > Bend over backwards.
> > > Jump on the band wagon.
> > > Balance the books.
> > > Run around in circles.
> > >
> > > Thursday:
> > > Toot my own horn.
> > > Climb the ladder of success.
> > > Pull out the stops.
> > > Add fuel to the fire.
> > >
> > > Friday:
> > > Open a can of worms.
> > > Put my foot in my mouth.
> > > Start the ball rolling.
> > > Go over the edge.
> > >
> > > Saturday:
> > > Pick up the pieces.
> > > Whew!
> > > What a workout!

You are invited to use my program without charge!!

Hot H2O

05-25-2003, 06:27 PM

ZO6 tells his dad that the mustang won't run and he thinks there is water in the gas...Dad says O6 my son why would you think theres water in the gas............
ZO6 says......well dad....the cars at the bottom of the lake...............

Hot H2O

05-28-2003, 02:20 PM

A few minutes before the Checkmate meeting started, the owners were sitting in their seats and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the meeting. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from the evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the building except for one elderly Checkmate owner who sat calmly in his seat without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.

"Yep," was the calm reply.

"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope," said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."

Z06

05-28-2003, 04:02 PM

Private Message for ya h20 http://www.checkmate-boats.com/infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chevy Corvette Z06
Chris.Ellard9@sympatico.ca
http://pub37.ezboard.com/bchevycorvettez06personalforum
http://www3.sympatico.ca/christine.ellard/offshore.jpg

cooperider

04-25-2004, 02:45 PM

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>Originally posted by Hot H2O:
A grizzled old man wearing a Checkmate Boat Factory jacket was eating in a truck stop when three Hell's Angels bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man and pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie, and then took a seat at the counter.

The second walked up to the old man and spit into the old man's milk, and then he took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man and turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.

Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"

The waitress replied, "He's not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his semi truck and trailer full of Checkmate boats over three motorcycles." <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Don't give him any ideas.

cooperider

02-27-2005, 08:46 PM

bdusted440 and his family move into their new house on the river. One night his wife notices the light still on in the boat house and says, "Brian you left the light on in the boat house again."
So he steps outside to go turn it off and notices three burgulars trying to steal his Checkmate. He quickly steps back into the house and call the police.
They say,"I'm sorry sir but we have no one in the area to help at this time."
So bdusted hangs up the phone and waits thirty seconds then calls the police back.
He says,"Hi I just called 30 seconds ago about some burgulars in my boat house. Yes. Well never mind its not a problem any more, because I just shot all of them and they are dead." and he hangs up the phone.
Two minutes later four police cruisers, an urban assalt vehicle, and an ambulance show up catching the burgulars red handed.
One of the officers looks at bdusted and says,"I thought you said you shot everyone."
bdusted replies,"and I thought you said you didn't have anyone in the area."

1BADMATE

03-02-2005, 04:07 PM

This is a true story! Back in the early 70s My dad, grandpa, uncle, and myself was going out to run our trotlines at 3:00am. We had a old 14ft v bottom with a 5 and a half Johnson. Back then we used to leave the boat at the boat ramp which was just a old gravel road and a mud-bank. When we got there we loaded our gear and headed out. About halfway to the trotlines, remember now its pitch black with just a flashlight, my dad jumps up and hollars I been struck! There's a cotton mouth in the boat, so were all jumping around in the little v bottom trying to keep from getting bit! I look over at my grandpa who was suppose to be driving the boat, was on top of the 5hp, sitting on it trying to keep from getting bit! In the mean time, my dad is still yelling im struck, my uncle and I are at the very front of the bow trying not to get bit! All of a sudden there is a loud crash, and we all go sailing out of the boat. We hit the bank since no one was driving it. My dad was laying on the ground holding his leg still yelling. After a long search for the snake, we discoverd that the snake was actually a minnow that had jumped out of the minnow bucket that we were going to use to bait the trotline, and had slapped my dad on the leg! After 20 minutes of laughter, a broken prop, and gear scattered all over the bank, we went to check our trotlines. http://checkmate-boats.com/graemlins/lol.gif