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Sharkbait's at it again

Jimway

Jimway

Well-known member
Saw my old arch rival, used hay dealer, Sharkbait recently. Guy is a PITA. and always says he is better, faster, catches more fish, etc. Made some derogitory statements concerning the Mate that got me heated up. Claims he's got a boat that will turn the old Playmate inside out. Suspect there may be a contest somewhere down the line. I'm thinkin he's going to be buying me some more SC like last time.To his credit though, he once suckered me into a drag race with what turned out to be one of the fastest Jokeswagons I had ever seen. The last boat he had was an old Glasspar,brush painted barn red with a shark mouth rattle canned in black on the bow. On the stern it said sharkbait, so that's what I call him. On that day, he and his buddies were half in the bag on beer at like six in the morning. They spent like 30 minutes trying to start the thing and it finally lights off in gear at about half throttle, throwing every body to the back where the uncovered flywheel is now turning furiously. They glance off a moored yacht leaving a huge red patch and Sharkbait clambers up to the wheel from the stern and with one hand grabs the back of the seat and with the other hand pushes the throttle hard down and off they went in a cloud of blue like a James Bond Smoke screen. I'm putting together a covert operation to check up on him and see what kind of boat he supposedly has and hopefully snap some pics. Guy lives out in the sticks in a deliverence type of cabin, so I got to be careful. I want to know what he's got before I pull the trigger on a little race and wager. Might be able to get some nearby Pacific Mates to witness the sound thrashing I plan to deliver.
 
A covert operation was recently executed to ascertain the type of vessel that ole Shark has obtained. I waited till darkness had seeped out from under the trees and bushes to sneek up on his place. I learned two things pretty quick. Right away I see this boat in the lean to. It looks suprisingly nice. It's a Yamaha jet boat, looks pretty cool. The other thing is that Sharky has a big dog. While I was shining my little flashlight into the lean to, there was suddenly these two red eyes lookin back from under the boat. When it stood up it looked like a big set of teeth with legs. Well, a bad word just jumped out of my mouth and I was gone. Thought I heard some banjo music like from the Deliverence movie. This caused me to run even faster. I did pretty good until the barbed wire fence. I missjudged my takeoff, probably because flight instead of fight had taken over, and found myself a little tail heavy as I flew over the fence. Only lost a small chunk of skin though but ripped up my Levis pretty bad. I was breathin so hard that I was pickin up pine needles and leaves and small gravel from off the ground by the time I dove for the truck. Well it cost me some skin, jeans, dignity and this cool little Maglite flash light that must have not made the trip to the truck, but I know what I'm up against now. I feel confident that the Mate can successfully outrun this other vessel even if it does have two engines. The game is afoot as they say.
 
Well I must say that life in Washington seems so much more interesting and glamorous than here in boring old New Jersey.
O the + side; Went out today with some friends in the 105 degree heat and saw some drunken idiot drive his van all the way into the water to pick up his jet ski. When he couldn't get his drowned van out he put on a life preserver, sat in the drivers seat and lit up a joint while the rest of us tried to pull him out with 4 wheel drive. He was all full of water and wouldn't open the back of his (bosses) van to let out the 5000 pounds of water that was keeping us from pulling him out because he didn't want to lose all his tools.
:rof:
 
Life is cool in the Pacific Northwest. I remember when my wife and I lived in Portland in the early 90's. My favorite image is of a Saturday morning that we were driving to where our boat was docked on the Willamette. We stop at a gas station to pick up supplies for the day and there's a pickup truck with 2 guys picking up beer. In the front seat with them are their 2 dogs. In the bed of the pickup surrounded by lots and lots of empty beer cans are 2 very pregnant women.
I miss Oregon.
By the way- I think that jetboat probably does about 50-54 mph. Are you faster than that?
 
Hey Sim, if the guy driving the truck you saw was real old looking with stringy gray shoulder length hair and the truck was a rusty 1950 ish Ford and one of the dogs resembled a grizzly bear in both appearence and mood, It may have been Sharkbait. I've been doing some research on the boat I saw in the lean to. Looks like they made a 220 and 240 horse model. I didn't get a chance to see the hp rating. If all he can muster is 55 mph, he's going to see nothing but stern of the Mate. I've been thinking that we need to start a spot on folks ( idiots ) that we have seen at the boat ramp, that's some funny stuff.
 
Covert Operation = movie script material

:rof:
I nearly peed my pants laughing at your recount of the events. Thanks for sharing.
 
Update: Negotiations are underway to ascertain the location of combat between the purple Yamaha Exciter and the old, tired, broken down Mate. Been workin at the same jobsite as the Sharkster. He's kind of a jack of all trades, as it turns out. Does pretty good work too. Seems like he might have allergies though, his eyes have been really red and he has a silly smile on most of the time. Seems worse after he goes to the woods on break. I think he might be takin a shine to me after seeing how early we show up and how late we stay and how fast we did the job, seems like he was impressed. I sprang for some burgers for everyone and ole Sharkski nearly fell over, I don't think anyone ever bought him lunch before from his reaction. Anyway, as we were eating it dawned on me that the Sharkman could be the brother of the mailman character in the movie Funny Farm. If you substituted a 50 Ford pickup for the Chevy in the movie, you pretty much got a picture of him including this kind of scary, insane laugh. I had never heard him laugh before. So at the end of the day it's around 8:00 PM, ole Shark comes walkin up and pauses right in front of me, he lifts his head up and his eyes are real narrow but suddenly sparkley, " How fast's this pink boat a yers? " he asks. S' not pink, I shoot back, It's flamingo. He kind of tips his head back a little and mouths out flamingo without saying it out loud." Don't think I ever heard o that colour a fore " he says." Besides" , I say," It's just a coupla stripes that's pink erh flamingo, mostly she's white". He smiles at this for a flash then the color drains away from his face, his eye's go grey and it seemed like he grew about an inch or so taller." Got a coupla hunnert doggies say's my boats faster n yers" he says slowly. The computer in my head immediatly spits out that that is about 10.5 bottles of Southern Comfort. I put my hands in my pockets and tilt my head sideways a little," Oh, were gonna run all right " I say ," we just gotta figure out where, when, and how". A smile begins to spread across his mug for a moment but vanishes as I add " But It's gonna cost ya more than two hundred bucks,... I'm thinkin more like five". Almost imperceptably he sways back a little for a flash, then steps forward and growls" I'll be real happy ta relieve ya of yer money ". He steps back and the twinkle comes back to his face, he sticks out his claw of a hand and we shake. His hand feels like a chunk of steel, also, I feel something in his hand, I look down and there is the flashlight that I lost when I was leaving his place the other night. He doesn't say a word but turns and walks to his truck, jumps in, fires it up, and drives away. As he starts out the driveway I can hear him laughing like a maniac. I look at the flashlight, it has teeth marks all over it. It's on now...
 
Thats good stuff Jim.
You need to be one of those tv narrators. Love the way you describe stuff, funny as hell.
 
You could write a book. Mostly you gotta beat this guy no matter what. If you don't the fallout would be awful. Can't wait to hear results.
 
LMAO!!!! This is like waiting for the next episode of your favorite show! Funny chit! You NEED to win that race!!!! Please keep us up on the next episode of "Hillbillys R Us"!!!!!
 
Hillbilly Deluxe

Got another small job going on in Sharkman's hometown in the hills. I found out where ole Sharkskin is gettin his parts and it seems he and a buddy of his are buyin a bunch of performance parts to fit that boat of his. This is causing me to worry some. The upcoming duel may be more of a contest than I previously had thought. His little town is way up in the hills so I work late up there if I have to. So I'm on my way home and its pretty near to midnight. I see Sharkbite's old truck at the local pub so I stop to check up on him. There is banjo and guitar music floatin out the door, this causes me to pause just for a instant, then I walk through the door. There's six guys at the bar wearin biker jackets that turn around and look at me like I just spit on em and showed em the finger. I unzip my vest cause I figure all hell is about to bust loose and thank goodness I got a Harley t-shirt on. They see the shirt and look away. I think right then is when my heart started beatin again. I stumble up to the bar and chuckle to myself. There's alot of folks runnin through the Pacific Northwest lookin for Bigfoot and here he is runnin a tavern cause he's standin on the other side of the bar. I order a Comfort and Coke. Suddenly you could hear a bead of sweat hit the floor. Some thunder from up by the roof says ' We got beer '. "Sounds good" I croak, then I add " Could I buy a round for the house " ? At this, Sasquatch smiles a halloween type of grin and the mood in the joint improves considerably. I suck down about half of it in one gulp out of fear, and old Shark is suddenly standin next to me. " This is my buddy I was a tellin you-all about " he says. Everybody else lowers thier heads a little and laugh amongst themselves. Ole Sharkie is holdin a banjo, kind of explains the deliverence music I think to myself. We blow the foam off a few cool ones while we're talkin about the where, when and how of the upcoming contest, and before ya know it it's closin time. We walk out, just the two of us and Shark grabs a bottle out the back of the Ford. " Have a snort o this here and tell me what ya think " he says. " Made it myself " he says proudly. I take a gulp and all at once the earth reverses rotation, a nuclear bomb goes off, and I'm real sure that I got hit by a bolt of lightning cause you could hear the thunder and feel it too. " Smooth " I slur. Kind of explains the red eyes and silly smile that I have noticed on his mug lately too I think to myself." Thought so " says the Sharkman proudly. What happened next is maybe gonna become legend up there in the hills. I might have forgot ta mention that I was driven the old Chev. I light out down the main street, chirpin the tires as I grab a coupla gears. Not too far out a town there is a real strait stretch of highway and I'm thinkin that I'm gonna let the ole Chev loose a little bit. By the time I hit the straight I'm really pickin em up and puttin em down. Next thing I know, I see headlights a comin up pretty quick. This causes me to start commin up with some excuses for johnny law cause thats who I figure it is. None other than the Sharkfinger is tryin to go around. I real quick drop the pedel to the floor. The ole Chev says oh sh*t and responds instantly with a roar. Well I don't mind tellin you that I'm surprised as all get out when I hear that old Ford drop into overdrive just a screamin for mercy. Were neck and neck, and give and take for a few quick miles until I grab overdrive and start walkin away. The old Chev yells back from under the hood and out the pipes to me, " Ha, we got em now ". Right then is when I seen all them elk standin in the middle a the road. Not quite sure how we got stopped and through the herd, but I think we jumped some, went underneath some, got off the road once or twice, and at one point I'm pretty sure that Ford was in the bed of my truck for a moment. When the dust and tire smoke clears and I can finally hear over my pounding heart, is when I see the Sheriff's car sittin there on the side of the road. Sharkfoot's Ford is lookin the other way down the road. The Sheriff is leanin on the drivers door of his cruiser havin a smoke. " Thought I might see you boys out here tonight " he drawls. I figure things are gonna go real bad until the Sheriff offers us a smoke while he looks over the trucks. " Ya-all are old enough to be my dad " he says. " Ya both been drinkin too ". Then he says " If ya got any booze, I want ya to pour it right now ". Shark grabs the bottle from behind his seat and to both the Sheriff's and my amazement, pours it into the trucks fuel tank. Right here is where I learn ole Sharks name cause the Sheriff says" Dwayne, are you still standin here? " I wus just leavin Stevie " says Sharkspeed as he jumps inta his truck with a wink at me. Takes him a moment ta get her started then off he goes. As he heads off into the distance, I recognize the sound that I had not recognized before of a built flathead Ford V-8, that truck of his is a sleeper! I hear the door of the cruizer open and fearing the worst, I turn around to see the Sheriff gettin in. " Ya-ll better get that truck out a the road before some crazy drunk runs into it " he says and starts up the car and drives off with a real similar laugh to someone I know. Been a heck of an evening.
 
Aftermath

Seems news travels fast sometimes. A certain someone around here is pretty put out upon hearing about some late night high speed shenanigans. As I type at the keyboard this morning, it's about 28 degrees in the kitchen, the perma frost is already 2 inches thick, and the North wind is blowing about 18 mph. Slept on the couch, needless to say. Anyway, up in Sharktoes neck of the woods the town is a buzz about what they are callin The Run Last Sunday Night. Seems that some smart***, punk,college snob, city slicker, drunk idiot darn near run the home town hero clean off the road and the Deputy Sheriff seen the whole thing. Arrested him on the spot and confiscated his car too. Down at the sandwich shop the town gossip says she heard the engines howling and then the screaching tires and the crash but when she got down to the spot on state road 7, there was only some jumpy elk and skid marks all over the road for several hundred yards. Have'nt seen Shark yet this week. Guy that I'm workin for says he's known Wayne { the Sharkman } for alot of years. Tells me Sharkie's been to the Saltflats back in the late 70's and thinks that he might even have got some speed records in this little 29 Ford coupe he calls the Streamliner. Says he keeps it up at his moms place on the other side of town. Man, if Sharks mom is still alive she must be over 100 years old, I think to myself. Anyhow, I thought this upcoming race was gonna be a hoot, now I'm getting real worried. I'm on my way up to a place I call the Skunkworks. At the Skunkworks, they work on high performance stuff that goes through the air. There is a machine shop in this place that is a sight to behold although they playfully wont let me touch anything. I bought me a spare set of carbs and they are gonna bore out the venturies so they flow a little better. They also are gonna perform some magic on the impeller. Tell me I'm gonna see 3 mph on the top end. I can feel my pulse speed up just thinkin about that. I spoke with em on Monday and they asked all kinds of questions about weight, rpm, fuel, oil, final drive ratios and stuff like that. Kind of lost me when the conversation went to hydrodynamics, commpressability, contours, wetted hulls, and thrust angles, but I just kept sayin yep, yes, yeah, so they think I'm gettin all of what they are saying. Oh yeah, I almost forgot, at the Yamaha place my informant tells me that ole Sharkspit and this buddy of his have picked up a performance kit that improves induction and exhaust and compression. They also have bought some high performance pumps from off of Craigslist. Looks like the pumps are seperate from the engine on the Yamaha jet boats. I'm startin to feel like I'm gonna have to dig deep into the bag of tricks to keep my 500 bucks intact. I'm worried....
 
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