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Shopping Experience

Jimway

Jimway

Well-known member
I'm just wondering if anyone else has had an interesting shopping experience this season. I was just at the local big box store, perusing the dairy section. I just happened to notice that egg nog was back on the shelf and was thinking how nice it might taste. So I'm parked in front of the dairy case. There is a floor freezer maybe eight feet behind me that runs about 20 feet along the front of the dairy case. Out in front of me about fifteen feet or so, the wall heads toward the front of the store. This wall is a freezer section that extends way toward the front of the store with eggs, butter, margarine, cheese, and all sorts of meats. In fact, once I make a delishious selection in the dairy area, We're going to head right over there. It's kind of busy in there cause it's the first of the month. I say 'we're', because I'm in the company of one Mrs. Jimway. For you married guys out there, you can gain some positive benefits and maybe even a get out of some trouble card by escorting your significant other to the store. If you can get her to wear that favorite pair of jeans that fit just right, you can enjoy following her all around the store while pushing the shopping cart. I'm just sayin. Oh yeah, if you happen to see an older member of the community struggling with a heavy item or trying to reach something off of the top shelf, you can step in and offer some small assistance. This usually goes a long ways and can sometimes pay out in future benefits. Approaching from the right at a pretty good clip comes a young lady. She grinds impatiently to a stop behind an old couple. She exhales loudly and places her hands upon her hips, which is not hard for her to do, I think to myself. She steps around the old couple and reaches right across their shopping cart, bumping it into the freezer and she grabs up a carton of eggs and places them into her basket. The old couple kind of shrink back from her. She proceeds to whip out in front of the next person who is traveling down the lane there and they have to pull up fast to keep from running into Miss I'm in a Hurry and Obviously Entitled. As she accelerates forward with an impatient toss of the head, another gal is coming around the corner. She is unable to see Miss Hurry because of the display on the end of the aisle. Miss Hurry has to stop. She whips her handbag from her shoulder and places it into the child seat part of her shopping cart with obvious frustration and a loud HHummph! I'm kind of starting to take a dislike to Miss Hurry at this point. Miss Hurry starts to try to weave around the other gal but there is someone passing her on the left. Miss Hurry darts to the right and squeezes past the folks in front of the old couple. The gal in front of them pulls out so that Miss Hurry has to grind to a stop. EXCUSE ME!! she states with a tone most unpleasant. When the two people blocking her forward progress shrink back, Miss Hurry tosses her head even farther and surges forward. This all happens pretty fast. She is too close to the edge of the floor freezer and makes contact with it about two thirds of the way back along her shopping cart which causes it to careen to the right. Miss Hurry glances off the freezer door that Mrs Jimway is behind and runs squarely into my cart.
 
I have my one hand on the door of the freezer that Mrs. Jim is in. I step forward, pulling the door more open with my left hand and place my right hand onto the front of Miss. Hurry's shopping cart. Miss Hurry is not amused and pushes forward against me and my right hand that is between her cart and mine. Mrs. Jim comes out with two gallons of milk and a questioning look , first toward me and then toward Miss Hurry. "E E Eaasyy now", I say to Miss Hurry, Toby Keith like. She has just above the shoulder length brown hair that is all sculpted around with a part on the left. The hair on the left kind of goes forward to a point like a half moon. She has fancy gold hoops about the size of a silver dollar hanging from her ears. Her ears have some more diamond studs in them. She has a white shirt with a sweater vest and black jeans that fit pretty tight. Down below is a pair of fair sized feet with combination sandal/high heel shoes. Her ample toenails are painted black. Her pants don't go all the way down (Except in conjunction with a small fee probably) and there are some gold and silver chains and bracelets on her ankle. She has some more on her wrists and quite a few rings on her fingers and maybe even one in her nose. Well maybe not the nose but there was definitly a stud in there too. She has on these designer sunglasses that are rectanguler and look like they might have some diamonds in them too. She does her best to embarrass me as she tries to engage her wit. She misses the shift into first gear, in my humble opinion. I am quite capable of wit in overdrive, if necessary. I pick up her shopping cart and hold it suspended in midair. She calls me a cretin. I look questioningly at Mrs. Jim and form the word cretin with my lips. Mrs. Jim tells me I'll have to look that one up. Miss Hurry requests rather sternly that I place her shopping cart back on the floor and calls me a cave dweller. "I certainly hope that you don't operate your Escalade in the same manner that you drive this cart"? I say to Miss Hurry. "Might be a Lexus" adds Mrs. Jim. " Might be a broom" I shoot back to Mrs, Jim. I smile. Miss Hurry's language becomes somewhat coarse. I can tell I'm already getting to her. "In the words of William Shakespeare, I would challenge you to a battle of wits but one can plainly observe that you are unarmed" I state with a smile. She begins to question my ancestry. "Careful now" I say, "Santa is going to bring you a lump of coal if you persist in acting like this" There are several store customers present and they appear to be enjoying the spectacle but some are wearing a surprised look upon their faces. The old couple that Miss Hurry bumped into are holding each other and look scared. I make eye contact and wink at them. Miss Hurry tries to pull the cart away from me but it might as well be cast in steel, hanging there about a foot off of the floor. I begin to blow some dust off of the comeback selection. "You look like you could use a friend" "Speak up, all I can make out is a buzzing noise" "Do you hear yourself talking or is it just a loud roar?" " All this arguing is starting to set me on edge, Maybe we could play a game? I know, you try holding your breath while I count to a million" "You cant count beyond your claws and paws" says Miss Hurry. "I'm visualizing masking tape over your mouth" I say. Miss Hurry begins to change colors underneath all of that makeup.
 
Feeling rather proud of myself at how the disscussion is going, I glance over at Mrs. Jim. She nods her head to the left. I think she has had enough of Miss Hurry. " Y Y You could almost pass for a man" Miss Hurry slightly stammers. "You and me both" I zing back. A light sound of laughter whispers among the small crowd of shoppers. " May I suggest you check your medications?", cause either they aren't working at all or they are working way to much" Miss Hurry invites me to smooch part of her anatomy. " How about never, is never good for you?" I ask. "Since we are on the subject of medication" I say, "I'm not sure what your little problem is but I bet it is really difficult to pronounce. You seemed so nice until you opened your mouth. I would like to thank you for your little performance here this afternoon, I'm sure all of us here are completely refreshed by your monumental ego and sense of entitlement. You, madam, are further proof that there is still no cure for rudeness. In closing, I have met people like you before but I had to pay admission." At this point I let go of Miss Hurry's shopping cart from about a foot off of the floor. It sounds kind of interesting when it hits the floor. "Have a wonderful day and Merry Christmas" I offer. Miss Hurry just stares at me for an uncomfortable length of time. "What's the matter, nothing to say? Don't get lost in thought, you will be a stranger there" I say helpfully with my best British accent. "I can't stand ________'s like you" ( insert body part like elbow or toe nail or knee cap. be imaginative) says Miss Hurry. "Apparently you mother could" I offer back. With her shopping cart now free from my grasp, Miss Hurry accelerates away with her little shoes tap tap tapping away. I can plainly see heat waves coming off of her as she struts down the aisle. I step forward to the watching group of spectators and roll my eyes and motion toward Miss. Hurry with my thumb. " I'm sorry about all of that' I say to the folks there, " Let's not let this little bit of unpleasantness slow us down in the least little way" I shake hands with several present and wish each a Happy Holiday. No one asks for my autograph though.
 
You know how you get to the front of the store and then you check to see how the lines are at the checkout. You wait in line and then when it becomes your turn, and you unload your shopping cart onto this little conveyor belt that moves your items to within reach of the checker. Well, that's what I'm doing when this cart pushes into the back of me. Now I have the front of my cart up against the end of the checkout counter. I'm standing at the back end of my cart. I turn around and here is Miss Hurry, phone in her ear. She has her right hand forward, palm down, and she makes this little shooshing forward flick of her hand to me. "You're bothering me" I state, with a matter of fact tone that instantly lowers the surrounding temperature by approximatly 50 degrees. Miss Hurry explains to me that if I move forward, she can begin to unload her items and make her way from the store because, unlike me, she has a very important schedule to meet. "It's my turn" I say. "Your turn comes after my turn". I barely turn my back on her when I feel her cart against my backside. She has engaged her voice once more and is telling me that she really isn't interested in anything I have to say. I turn around and push her and her cart back about a foot. "Let me tell you something", I say." I've come down to this store today to conduct some business. I don't have to, nor am I interested in dealing with your attitude or being exposed to your emotional outbursts. You are interfering with me, I want you to stop, now. You run that cart into me one more time and just see what happens". I think most folks might say a couple of more things in the heat of the moment, but not push with the cart again. Some peaple might just go to another checkout aisle. Every once in a while you find someone who just keeps pushing. Miss Hurry pushes forward again. She states with all of the authority of the world, that I am powerless to do anything about it. I turn and face Miss Hurry. For a moment, standing there with the overheat alarm going off, I begin to have a sinking feeling. What am I going to do. If I smack this person and merely knock them into the middle of next week, I suspect I might incur a meeting with prosecuters, lawyers, and a judge. Not the type of thing one wants when so close to the holiday. Miss Hurry senses my quandry and smiles this evil smile and her head kind of shakes like 'see, I told you so'. I grab Miss Hurry's shopping cart and back the cart back about 10 feet out into the middle of the main aisle. Miss Hurry is scooted back because she is pushing back at the same time toward me. I pick up the cart and lift it to chest height. I neatly rotate the cart 90* and drop it in the middle if the main aisle. A lot of the carts contents scurry out across the floor. Miss Hurry whips her fancy leather purse from her shoulder. She steps forward like Babe Ruth and swings like a pro. Mrs. Jim states later that I brought my hands up and shifted my weight to my back right foot like I was going to swing. When Miss Hurry's purse hits my left forearm, it splits out across the bottom. The purses contents fly all over the place. There is a lot of stuff in that purse. I marvel at the amount of stuff that spills out all over. Miss Hurry dives to the floor to recover her stuff. "That should keep you busy for a little while" I say. I point my right finger directly at her and say "You did this". I move my cart forward so that it can be loaded. Mrs. Jim is paying the cashier. Miss Hurry is producing a steady stream of vulgarity, directed at me, at nearly the decibel level of a 747 at takeoff. Mrs. Jim points down at our shopping cart. There are several items from Miss Hurry's purse that have flown into there. I pick up the items and begin to toss them (underhand not overhand) toward Miss Hurry. "No wonder you are in such a foul mood" I say, "Look at this, rash medication and condoms, I guess they kind of go hand in hand, so to speak, in your line of work"? I kind of made up the rash and condom part, but it worked like a charm. Right about here I start appologizing to Miss Hurry because I can plainly see the store manager hurrying toward the source of all of that terrible language. I'm thinking that when the manager rolls up and I'm appologizing, Miss Hurry is going out the door on the language thing alone. I am not surprised when the manager invites Miss Hurry to exit the store as soon as she picks up her personal items. I smile at Miss Hurry there, down on her knees, picking up her stuff. She does not smile back. "Clean up at register six" I say in a thundering voice. The crowd of curious chuckle quietly. I hold up my arm to the manager. "Did you happen to notice her savagely hit me with that enormously heavy purse of hers"? "Yes Sir I did" says the manager. "Do you need medical assistance", "Would you like me to call the police"? asks the manager. I hold up my arm to Miss Hurry. "Should we see what the police have to say about this"? Miss Hurry shakes her head back and forth but says nothing. "Yes, you are probably right, no need to involve the authorities at this time" I say to Miss Hurry. "But I want you to think about what happened here today and maybe not shop here until you learn to play well with others" I add to Miss Hurry. "Please tell me that you are also leaving right now"? says the manager to me. "Oh yes, we have finished shopping and were just leaving now" I say pleasantly to the manager as I put my arm around Mrs. Jim's shoulder. "Oh she can stay" says the manager, pointing toward Mrs. Jim, "But you gotta go". Mrs. Jim smiles at me and bats her eyes, slowly, once, and removes my arm from her shoulder. "Load this in the truck" says Mrs. Jim soothingly as she pushes the cart at me. "I'll be out in a minute". Holiday shopping, pretty exciting stuff sometimes.
 
That was the end of it, so far. She was sent out the door not too long after me, sans her grocery selection, which was all over the floor anyway. I was curious as to her mode of transportation. By climbing onto the grocery cart return rack, I was able to maintain a sharp lookout. She walked out to a big black Hummer with really big chrome wheels and some extra chrome on the grille and such. It did not say 'Checkmate' in the rear window. Up to that point, I was checking all of the Handicapped spots for a broom. There may have been a small breakthrough to her uppercrusty attitude, however, caused by the whole escapade. It looked to me like she was crying. I have been instructed to meet with the store manager the next time I visit the establishment. I'm hoping for some small accolade, award, or certificate of recognition for the affair. Perhaps some monetary compensation or maybe a gift card. I'll be happy with a pat on the back...
 
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