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Boating Jokes

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by JW:
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Hot H2O:

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son (Z06) into bed. She was about to turn off the light when Z06 asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by Z06's shaky little voice: "The big sissy."<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

HAHHAHAHHAHHAHAHAH
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nice ad-lib there H20!!!!

1995 Pulsare 2100BR/1995 Mercury Promax 225 2.5 EFI/ 1.87:1 Torquemaster/ RapidJack Heavy-Duty manual 10.5" setback/ 23" Tempest worked for ski duty<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>


LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
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Makes me die in laughter each time I read em'
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Chevy Corvette Z06
Chris.Ellard9@sympatico.ca
http://pub37.ezboard.com/bchevycorvettez06personalforumhttp://pub37.ezboard.com/bchevycorvettez06personalforum
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Glad you have a sense of humor!

1995 Pulsare 2100BR/1995 Mercury Promax 225 2.5 EFI/ 1.87:1 Torquemaster/ RapidJack Heavy-Duty manual 10.5" setback/ 23" Tempest worked for ski duty
 
The day after a man lost his wife in a Baja Boat accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.
"We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife."

"Well, tell me!" the man said.

The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news
and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."

So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but this morning
we found your wife's body in San Francisco Bay."

"Oh my god!," said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion.
Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked,

"What's the good news?"

"Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two
five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her."

"If that's the good news than what's the great news?!",
Mr. Wilkens demanded.

The policeman said,

"We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."
 
For the Pirates among us!!!
A guy with a Checkmate pulls up on a resort beach and meets a pirate in a bar,
and talk turns to their adventures on the sea.

The Checkmate guy notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.

The Checkmate guy asks!

"So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"

The pirate responds!

"We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks.
Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."

"Wow!" said the Checkmate Guy.

"What about the hook?"

"Well...," replied the pirate, "

We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords.
One of the enemy cut my hand off."

"Incredible!" remarked the Checkmate guy.

"How did you get the eyepatch?"

"A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the Checkmate guy asked incredulously.

"Well...",

said the pirate,

"it was my first day with the hook".
 
ZO6 is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years.
One day, ZO6 saw a speck on the horizon.
ZO6 thinks to himself, "It's not a ship,"

the speck gets a little closer and ZO6 thinks, "It's not a boat."

The speck gets even closer and ZO6 thinks. it's not a raft."

Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman,
on a jet ski wearing a wet suit.

She approaches ZO6 and says,

"How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!" ZO6 says.

She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her
left sleeve and pulls out a fresh pack of cigarettes.

ZO6 takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says,
"Man, oh man! Is that good,"

Then she asked,

"How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"

ZO6 replies, "Ten Years!"

She reaches over and unzips her waterproof pocket on her
right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.
ZO6 takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"

Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs
down the front of the wet suit and says to him,

"And how long has it been since you had some REAL fun?"

ZO6 replies, "My God!
Don't tell me you've got the keys to a Checkmate in there?"
 
Three Boat Owners were at the Marina when they came upon a mermaid,
the mermaid offered them one wish each so the first boat owner
said: "double my I.Q" so the mermaid did it and to his
surprise he was sitting in a Bayliner

Then the second Boatowner said: "triple my I.Q." and sure
enough the mermaid did it and amazingly he was sitting in a Baja

The third Boatowner was so impressed he asked the mermaid to
quadruple his I.Q and the mermaid said "Are you sure about
this? It will change your whole life!" the Boatowner said "yes"
so the mermaid Gave him a Checkmate.
 
A grizzled old man wearing a Checkmate Boat Factory jacket was eating in a truck stop when three Hell's Angels bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man and pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie, and then took a seat at the counter.

The second walked up to the old man and spit into the old man's milk, and then he took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man and turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.

Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"

The waitress replied, "He's not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his semi truck and trailer full of Checkmate boats over three motorcycles."
 
ZO6 decides he's gonna try some ice fishing, so he heads to the closest ice he can find. He cuts a hole, sets up a little folding stool and gets all his tackle out when he hears a voice. "There are no fish there!" the load booming disembodied voice says. After looking around & finding no one, the guy gets up and moves, and just as soon as he's getting ready to wet his line it happens again. "There are no fish there!" Again the man sees no one, so he moves to yet another spot. This time he doesn't even get the hole cut through the ice. "There are no fish there either!!" The man, looking puzzled, looks up while scratching his head and asks "God? Is that you?" "No!" the voice booms "This is the ice rink manager, there are no fish here!"
 
Chris and Zeus were boating together when a sudden squall came up. When it died down both eminent Checkmaters were struggling helplessly in the water.

Chris floundered his way back to the boat and pulled himself painfully in. Then he fished out the Zeus, using an oar.

Catching his breath, Chris puffed: "Please don't say a word about this to anyone. If the Checkmate Web members found I can't swim I'd be disgraced.

"Don't worry," said Zeus. "Your secret is safe if mine is . I'd hate to have ZO6 find out I can't walk on water."
 
Joe and three of his buddies have gone Boating every saturday for nearly forty years. One Saturday, the guys are racing along a highway when a funeral processional drives by. Well, Joe stops the boat, stands up , takes off his lucky hat and places it over his heart. This processional is huge and takes nearly five minutes to pass. Once it passes, Joe sits down, puts his hat on and starts his motor without saying a word. Needless to say his buddies are floored by his actions. One of em finally speaks up and says, "that sure was a respectful thing you did there when they went by." Joe replied, "It seems the least I could do seeing as how I've been married to the woman for over forty years!"
 
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Hot H2O:
Chris and Zeus were boating together when a sudden squall came up. When it died down both eminent Checkmaters were struggling helplessly in the water.

Chris floundered his way back to the boat and pulled himself painfully in. Then he fished out the Zeus, using an oar.

Catching his breath, Chris puffed: "Please don't say a word about this to anyone. If the Checkmate Web members found I can't swim I'd be disgraced.

"Don't worry," said Zeus. "Your secret is safe if mine is . I'd hate to have ZO6 find out I can't walk on water."<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

He He
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Wonder if Zeus gets a hoot of out that?
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Chevy Corvette Z06
Chris.Ellard9@sympatico.ca
http://pub37.ezboard.com/bchevycorvettez06personalforumhttp://pub37.ezboard.com/bchevycorvettez06personalforum
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A man is sitting reading his newspaper when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.

"What was that for?" He asks

"That was for the piece of paper in your trouser pocket with the name of Mary Ellen written on it" she replies.

"Don't be silly " he says "Two weeks ago when I went to the marina Mary Ellen was the name of one of the boats I was looking at".

She seems satisfied at this and apologizes.

Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold.

When he comes around he asks "What was that for?"

His wife said, "Your damn boat phoned"

[This message was edited by Hot H2O on May 06, 2003 at 08:05 PM.]
 
The other day I was in the local Marine parts store. ZO6 comes in and ask for a seven ten cap. The guys at the boat shop all looked at each other and said, "What's a seven ten cap?" ZO6 said "You know, it's right on the engine. Mine got lost some how and I need a new one." "What kind of a Boat is it on," they asked? Now I'm thinking maybe an old clunker Seven Ten, but no, ZO6 said it's a Checkmate with a 350/270.

"OK ZO6, how big is it?" He makes a circle with his hands about 3 1/2 inches in diameter. "What does it do?," we asked. ZO6 said, "I don't know, but its always been there." One of us gave him a note pad and asked him if he could draw a picture of it. So ZO6 makes a circle about 3 1/2 inches in diameter and in the center he writes 710. The guys behind the counter are looking at it upside down as she wrote it and they just fall down behind the counter laughing so hard in hysterics. One guy said "I think you want an "OIL" cap." He said, "Seven Ten cap, oil cap, I don't care what you call it, I just need one, and I don't see what is so funny about it.
 
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Hot H2O:
The other day I was in the local Marine parts store. ZO6 comes in and ask for a seven ten cap. The guys at the boat shop all looked at each other and said, "What's a seven ten cap?" ZO6 said "You know, it's right on the engine. Mine got lost some how and I need a new one." "What kind of a Boat is it on," they asked? Now I'm thinking maybe an old clunker Seven Ten, but no, ZO6 said it's a Checkmate with a 350/270.

"OK ZO6, how big is it?" He makes a circle with his hands about 3 1/2 inches in diameter. "What does it do?," we asked. ZO6 said, "I don't know, but its always been there." One of us gave him a note pad and asked him if he could draw a picture of it. So ZO6 makes a circle about 3 1/2 inches in diameter and in the center he writes 710. The guys behind the counter are looking at it upside down as she wrote it and they just fall down behind the counter laughing so hard in hysterics. One guy said "I think you want an "OIL" cap." He said, "Seven Ten cap, oil cap, I don't care what you call it, I just need one, and I don't see what is so funny about it.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

I saw that one either at S&F or Fastboats. It was a blonde joke to orginate wasn't it?
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Chevy Corvette Z06
Chris.Ellard9@sympatico.ca
http://pub37.ezboard.com/bchevycorvettez06personalforum
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This guy is flying down the lake and he goes under a bridge. Sure enough, a Lake Patrol Cop with a radar gun is sitting on the other side of The bridge and pulls him over. The cop idles up to the guy's Checkmate and asks, "What's the hurry?"

The guy says, "I'm late for work." 'What do you do?" The guy responds, "Well, I'm a rectum stretcher." The cop says, 'What? A rectum stretcher?" The guy says, "Yeah. I start with a finger, then work my way up to two fingers ... eventually I get a hand in, then both hands, and I slowly stretch it until it's about six feet wide." The cop asks, "What do you do with a six-foot rectum?" "Well, you give him a radar gun and park him under a bridge"
 
A newby in a 28ft Checkmate with a 454 is towed into a marina. The mechanic asks, "What's the problem?" He says, "I don't know, it just conked out." After he works on it a few minutes, it's purring like a kitten. The newby asks, "What was wrong with it?" The mechanic replies, "No big problem, just crap in the carburetor." He asks, "How many times a week do I have to do that?"
 
A gynecologist was getting tired of his job and decided to switch careers. He'd always enjoyed tinkering with engines, so he enrolled in a school for Boat engine mechanics. When the class ended, the students were given their final exam: strip a Boat engine completely and reassemble it in perfect working order. The gynecologist did his best - and was amazed to find he scored 150%. "How could that be?" he asked. "Well," said the instructor, "I gave you 50% for taking the engine apart. Next, I gave you 50% for reassembling it - a really fantastic job. And then I gave you a 50% bonus for doing it all through the exhaust pipe."
 
A mechanic was removing cylinder heads from a Boat motor when he spotted a famous heart surgeon in his shop who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his boat. The mechanic shouted across the garage,"Hello Doctor, please come over here for a minute." The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively. "So doctor, look at this, I also open hearts, take valves out, grind'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this will work as a new one. So how come you get the big money, when you and me is doing basically the same work?" The doctor leaned over and whispered to the mechanic "Try to do it when the engine is running."
 
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