Boating Jokes

[Persuader183]

Captain Bravado...

Long ago, there lived an officer of the Royal Navy named Captain Bravado. He was a manly man's man, who showed no fear when facing his enemies.

One day, while sailing the Seven Seas, his lookout spotted a pirate ship approaching, and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravado bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!"

The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and while wearing the brightly colored frock, the Captain led his crew into battle and defeated the pirates.

That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumph. One of them asked the Captain, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?"

The captain replied, "If I were to be wounded in the attack, the shirt would not show my blood. Thus, you men would continue to fight, unafraid." All of the men sat and marveled at the courage of such a manly man's man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The crew stared in worshipful silence at the captain and waited for his usual orders. Captain Bravado gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his ship, and without fear, turned and calmly shouted, "Bring me my brown pants!"

 

[Hot H2O]

A Checkmate owner was shipwrecked on a desert island for many years all alone. One day a beautiful woman pulled up to the island in a beautiful 33 ft checkmate replica. He was overjoyed with the thought of being saved. She said she had also been shipwrecked on an island and had built the boat with the things she found on her island....he went aboard and she asked would he like a drink...of course he said. she stated she had beer or vodka...she had made them herself on the island...asked if was hungry..he said sure...She laid out a 5 course meal...which she had grown and collected from her island......after dinner they were talking and discovered they had both been marooned for 5 years....without seeing another person....thats right he had not seen another woman for 5 years and here one was...not only the she was beautiful....and had a great figure.......She asked in a most seductive way "Was there anything else he wanted?".....

He said" Well......yes........uh....uh...uh.....Could you build me one of these Checkmate replica's"

 

[Z06]

Keep em coming, I need a good laugh today...

How do you come up with all these???

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chevy Corvette Z06
Chris.Ellard9@sympatico.ca
http://pub37.ezboard.com/bchevycorvettez06personalforumhttp://pub37.ezboard.com/bchevycorvettez06personalforum

 

[Hot H2O]

Every Saturday morning he goes out to run his Checkmate. He gets up early and eager, makes his lunch, hooks up his boat and off he goes...all day long. Well, one Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his lunch made, puts on his long johns, grabs the dog and goes to the garage to hook up his boat to the truck and down the driveway he goes.
Coming out of his garage the rain is teeming down; it is like a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing at about 50 mph. Minutes later, he returns to the garage. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. He finds it's going to be bad weather all day long, so he quietly undresses and slips back into bed.
There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible."
To which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out in his Checkmate in that crap?"

 

[Hot H2O]

Somewhere in the deep south a Checkmate owner called an attorney and asked, "Is it true they're suing the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer?"

"Yes Sir that's true." answered the lawyer.

"And people are suing the fast food restaurants
for making them fat and clogging their arteries with all them burgers and fries-is that true, mister lawyer?"

"Sure is, but why do you ask?"

"'Cause I was thinkin'-maybe I can sue Budweiser for all them Boats I have bought and the ugly women I've been waking up with."

 

[Hot H2O]

A newby had read all there was to read on fast boats and he bought a Checkmate. He used the new boat every weekend for a month and finally brought it back to the dealer and said no matter what he did the boat wouldn't go very fast,,,,the dealer went to the lake and they put the Mate in the water.....after a few minutes of checking fuel, battery ect,,the dealer cranked up the 300 Merc,,,,,and the newby said,,,,,,,,Whats that noise????

[This message was edited by Hot H2O on May 03, 2003 at 10:34 AM.]

 

[Hot H2O]

How to spot the owner of the marina:

His leathery skin makes the Marlboro Man look like the Ivory Girl.
He’s the guy who charges you for directions.
He’s got fists the size of canned hams.
His boat has been on dry dock for years.
When his wallet opens, you hear a faint, “cha-ching.”.
He even squints in caves.
He wore “chinos” to his daughters wedding.
Even his callouses have callouses.
You could build a dam with the dirt under his nails.
His cologne is “bilgewater musk.”
His shirt is seven years older than his Cadillac.

 

[Hot H2O]

Dear Cap’n ABBY: What is the difference between miles-per-hour and knots? – Joe

Dear Joe: Miles-per-hour is how many miles someone or something goes in one hours time. A knot is something you tie with a rope. D-uh.


Dear Cap’n Abby: I was recently told that all children are required to wear flotation while on a boat. Is this true?

-Z06


Dear Z06: While it is true that children are required to wear flotation when on a boat, it is a little known fact that children actually serve as excellent flotation for adults during an emergency (especially the chubby kids). I have heard numerous stories of people surviving for days at sea with nothing more than a bottle of water and a plump, buoyant toddler.

 

[Hot H2O]

You are an UGLY BOATER if
To qualify for entry at least 3 of the statements below must be true.
IF:

You have used a piling to surgically remove anything from your boat
Any of your boating clothes have camouflage
Any of your boating foot wear have steel toes
You don't have a parrot
Your boat is equipped with a "who-ha" AND a "dammit"
You've ever considered your flare gun as a weapon
You've NEVER paid for your FCC License (and never will!)
You've ever painted signs or messages below the waterline in different color anti-fouling paint
Everyone on board is required to yell "Arrrggghhhhh!" whenever water is taken over the bow.
You've managed to pump your Holding Tank to the main salon bilge.
Your crew knows what "Take the who-ha to the port winch!" and "watch the dammit!" means.
You've been to sea on a submarine
The words "Viking Funeral" appear anywhere in your will.
You've ever tried to do ANYTHING around the shaft seal on a IO Checkmate
Any of your winches have a Magic Marker arrow on it indicating direction to wrap the lines
You have a parrot
You've ever uttered "Please don't throw-up

 

[Hot H2O]

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

 

[Z06]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Hot H2O:
Dear Cap’n ABBY: What is the difference between miles-per-hour and knots? – Joe

Dear Joe: Miles-per-hour is how many miles someone or something goes in one hours time. A knot is something you tie with a rope. D-uh.


Dear Cap’n Abby: I was recently told that all children are required to wear flotation while on a boat. Is this true?

-Z06


Dear Z06: While it is true that children are required to wear flotation when on a boat, it is a little known fact that children actually serve as excellent flotation for adults during an emergency (especially the chubby kids). I have heard numerous stories of people surviving for days at sea with nothing more than a bottle of water and a plump, buoyant toddler.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

And you used me in there because?

He He

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chevy Corvette Z06
Chris.Ellard9@sympatico.ca
http://pub37.ezboard.com/bchevycorvettez06personalforumhttp://pub37.ezboard.com/bchevycorvettez06personalforum

 

[Hot H2O]

So you would feel included..

 

[Z06]

You can use me in any of them, it makes me laugh more and probably the same with the other members. I don't take any of it offensivly at all...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chevy Corvette Z06
Chris.Ellard9@sympatico.ca
http://pub37.ezboard.com/bchevycorvettez06personalforumhttp://pub37.ezboard.com/bchevycorvettez06personalforum

 

[Hot H2O]

Some sad news about beer today.
> > >
You have to hope that this study is flawed, but the evidence seems irrefutable. Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that the results of a recent analysis revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, and suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men were each fed 6 pints of beer within a one-hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly
emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, had to sit down while urinating and refused to apologize when wrong, No further testing is planned.

 

[Hot H2O]

> DATE RAPE DRUG TARGETS MALES
>
> (URP) - Police warn all male clubbers, party-goers, and unsuspecting pub regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.
>
> Gents, a new date rape drug on the market, called "beer," is used by females to target unsuspecting men.
>
> The drug is generally found in liquid form, and is now available almost anywhere. "Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them.
>
> Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to
> consume a few units of "beer" and then simply ask him
> home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are rendered
> helpless against this approach. After several "beers"
> men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual
> acts on horrific looking women to whom they would
> never normally be attracted.
>
> After drinking "beer," men often awaken with only hazy
> memories of exactly what happened to them the night
> before, often with just a vague feeling that something
> bad occurred. At other times these unfortunate men are
> swindled out of their life's savings in a familiar
> scam known as "a relationship."
>
> Apparently men are much more susceptible to this scam
> after "beer" is administered and sex is offered by the
> predatory female.
>
> Please! Forward this warning to every male you know.
> However, if you fall victim to this insidious "beer"
> and the predatory women administering it, there are
> male support groups with venues in ever town where you
> can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in
> an open and frank manner with similarly affected,
> like-minded guys. For the support group nearest you.
>
> Just look up "Golf Courses, or Marinas" in the yellow pages.

 

[Hot H2O]

WHO SAID MEN WEREN'T SENSITIVE?

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up being together. They go back to his 38 ft Checkmate, and as he shows her around his boat, she notices that his cabin is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears.

Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor. Cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher. Huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.

The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by this evidence of his sensitive side!

She turns to him, invitingly... they kiss...and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love.

After she has this intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, and they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it for you?"

The guy yawns: "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."

 

[Hot H2O]

My husband, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.
When I'm in a good mood it turns green and he knows its ok for him to go play with his Checkmate on the river with his friends. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond!!
-------------------------------------------
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son (Z06) into bed. She was about to turn off the light when Z06 asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by Z06's shaky little voice: "The big sissy."

 

[Hot H2O]

Etch-A-Sketch Tech Support
Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has a distorted display. What should I do?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has these funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it. Set it down.

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has lines that prevent me from doing my art project.
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I delete a document from my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I keep from losing my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Stop shaking it.

 

[Hot H2O]

WOMEN'S ASS SIZE STUDY
There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their ass. I thought the results were pretty interesting:

85% of women think their ass is too big...

10% of women think their ass is too little...

The other 5% say that they don't care -- they love him and would have married him anyway.

 

[JW]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Hot H2O:

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son (Z06) into bed. She was about to turn off the light when Z06 asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by Z06's shaky little voice: "The big sissy."<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

HAHHAHAHHAHHAHAHAH

nice ad-lib there H20!!!!

1995 Pulsare 2100BR/1995 Mercury Promax 225 2.5 EFI/ 1.87:1 Torquemaster/ RapidJack Heavy-Duty manual 10.5" setback/ 23" Tempest worked for ski duty