Sharkbait's at it again

[Jimway]

So presently the Sharkoperator rolls up on a old Ford tractor that is equipped with a front loader and a backhoe, four different tires, a smoke cloaking device, a bad attitude, and a lot of grease, oil, mud, and corrosion holding it firmly together. From all of the knockin and smokin, I figure it's a diesel. The joints in the attachments are so badly worn that the machine can be hardly used. I didn't notice how bad the joints were until I offered up myself to do a little diggin with the machine on account of the Shark was digging so slowly with it. I did notice Shark shootin a quick smirk toward the Cadaver. I should have known better, but I figured ole Shark thought maybe I didn't know how to run the machine. He was right. With all of the smoke, you could hardly even see the ground you was trying to dig up. With all of the looseness in the jounts, once the back and forth and up and down and front to back and side to side motion started, any input from the sticks only made the machine more angry. Through the smoke cloud I could just make out the Shark and Ace steppin away, pointin with thier fingers and thier mouths open in what looked to be a hearty laugh. The tractor reminded me of a bareback bronco mustang stallion in his prime, tryin to buck me off, while I grabbed a hunk of mane with my left hand and stuck my right hand into the air over my head, and my jaw set in a grim smile, and give it both spurs hard on the flank. The tractor arched its back strongly and the ride was on for what seemed like quite a while longer than the second that the Shark talks about. After bein in the front, back, top, bottom, both sides, and underneath the machine, I tried to jump off but it grabbed my pants leg and flipped me into the air rather handily before it let go with a laugh in my general direction as the earth gently rubbed on my backside two or maybe three times. The Shark took great delight in all of this. The machine stopped movin around after my dissmount, and the Shark gingerly climbed aboard and slowly dug up them wires. It was just as I thought, cause one phase and most of the neutral wire was cut in two. After a quick clean up and a coupla underground splice kits and some heat shrink I was turnin the power back on. Now bein kind of a Rotton Smart***, as Shark would say, I saw an oppertunity to get in a jab at the Shark while we was checkin for proper voltage and polarity at the electrical panel in the barn....

 

[Jimway]

Over the years, I've perfected this little trick to play on the unsuspecting. Lots of folks is scared of electricty. I like to take advantage of this from time to time, and since the Shark was still har har ing about my trip off ole Besse the tractor, I figured this was gonna be one of those times. What I got is a coupla a new years noisemakers. One of them is a small device that when you pull a little string on one end, it shoots confetti out the other. If you take this thing apart, you can get the little firecracker lookin thing out and use it for a good popping noise when you pull the string. The other noisemaker is this little metal gadget that you wind up and fit it into the palm of your hand. It has a small button that when pushed, the little gadget buzzes loudly and emits some sparks, kind a like you is bein shocked during a handshake. So what I do is turn the power on at the house and make like I'm gonna check the voltage at the barn. I get the noise parts out of my pocket and when I stick my tester into the panel, I get my head in real close and say " Wonder what that is?" Most people will look pretty close too. So I say "Uh oh", and grab the panel and pull the string which produces this cool pop and a small flash, and then I scream and after a moment, I look back ever so slowly and as I run out of breath and roll my eyes so that the whites is showing, I reach out and trigger the hand buzzer against the nearest victim, and fall dead away onto the ground. This little show never fails to produce some interesting and often eventful responses from the victims....

 

[Jimway]

The Cadaver, {Ace}, dont move,talk, or breath too fast, " All things in moderation" he says,{except the drinkin part, I'm just sayin}, takes one step back and drops his drinkin glass on the wood floor of the barn. Shark says to Ace, " Aw told ya thet plas-teek drankin glass would come in rhat handily, aint thet so" "Yes sirree Bob Billyboy" says Ace. "Shame ah spilt some product though" he adds. "Better check on the boy, Wayne", "Is he still here"? asks Ace. "Ah dont thank he's breathin much" says Shark. "Wall shoot, ah thank ah'll hev ta try some of thet artificial restitution" says the Shark with a hint of worry in his voice. "Lectricity must a blowed the life clean out of em, felt some jump off on me too"says Shark seriously. Now the idea of havin old Shark tryin to do mouth to mouth on me caused me to roll over and put my right hand under my head and say matter of factly, "I didn't know you knew emergency first aid" " Wa'll sure, learnt it down at ta firehouse. Iffen you was as smart as you thank you is, you'd know some too, Smart***" says the Shark as he folds his arms in front and looks down. He exhales through his nose and turns his head to Ace and then looks at the floor in front of his feet and slowly shakes his head back and forth, and sighs. He give me a sharp kick in the chest and said " Da** you, yer gonna give me a heart affliction". Shark was really happy to have all the power back on. "A've got sumthin special for ya", says Shark ."How'd ya feel about chompin down on some mouth waterin vittles"? " Me and Ace here caught one of the most de-lectible critters around these parts, and was thankin bout cookin him up for dinner" Says the Shark with a wide grin and that laugh of his. When the Shark said "Now all we gotta do" all of the red flags in my mind went flyin to the top of the flagpoles, and I could make out the distinct aroma of a set up....

 

[RNGRDVE]

Pay backs a female dog.

 

[Jimway]

" Is remove the critter from the trap" says the Shark. "You ever hare of Snipes?" Asks the Shark. And there you have it, I think to myself, a hunt for the mythical Snipe, an animal that doesn't exist but is known for being extremely fast and ever elusive, not to mention good eating. Having never seen one actually caught, I figure I'll play along a piece. Usually a Snipe hunt consists of running a novice hunter all over the place while they hit sticks together or bang rocks together to attract the Snipe, which can be everything from a bird to a moderatly sized hairy set of teeth and claws that has to be caught in a burlap bag, by hand. " What's a Snipe?" I ask the Shark. " Theys a real rhare bird around these parts, faster n a popcorn fart.Real good eatin though. Bout the size of a turky, twice as de- licious" croons the Shark. " Me an Ace set up a trap down in ta meadow there and darnt iffen we caught one up. Soon's we get the critter out the trap, we's can d-ress em up and heve Ma roast em up mouth waterin like" says Shark. Now old Shark is playin the Snipe up for all its worth and doin a fair job of it too. Now just for the folks that like the small details, there really is a small bird called a Snipe. Its got long legs and runs around like the roadrunner in the cartoons,but thats not what the Snipe hunt is about. It's about initiating the novice and takin small advantage of the new guy that might have some wetness under the ears still. Part of me is sayin to walk over to my truck and exit stage right before anything bad should happen. Another part likes the challenge of matchin wits with old Shark. " These thangs is powerful fhast" says the Shark solomly. " I figur a youngster like yoursef might be able ta grab up the critter" adds Shark. "Now I gots ta tell ya that there aint no nevermind bout gettin chomped cause it gots no teeth. When aahs a young buck, aahd scoop up the critter with one ahrm a hind mah backside, but ahs gettin a might slower these days" says the Shark sadly. My mind is racin around thinkin about what might be in store when we go down to the field to retrieve the Snipe. I'm also thinkin that if I go along with the gag, it might get me back in good graces and make a old guy happy. As we walk through the barn, Shark grabs up a big canvas bag. I chuckle to myself. "Ya cain thro the critter in this here game bags soons ya get yer paws round his legs" says the Shark authoritatively. "Thets the best way ta grab em out the trap four as ahm corncerned" adds Shark....

 

[Jimway]

When we get to the field, there is an old small bathtub, looks like it came from a mobile home, upside down under this great big maple tree. There's a stick with a piece of rope tied to it, layin next to the tub. There's some chicken feed tossed around and what looks like some turkey feathers here and there. The Shark says "Now you reach under and grabs the critters legs whan I picks up the edge of the tub. Soons you acquires a strong grip, I'll flip over the tub and hold open the bag, and alls you gotta do is plunge the critter in, sample as thet" Now when I learned that the Shark was gonna be right next to me when I grabbed the Snipe, I felt better cause right up till then I was foreseeing a skunk, badger, wolverine, lion, tiger, grizzly, or some similiar terror poised underneath the tub. As I bent down, I could see some feathers stickin out from under the tub. Not havin had nuthin to eat for at least a hour or two, I could picture some wild turkey surprise just a steamin on a plate with all of the fixins too. When the Shark lifted the edge of the tub, I plunged in my left hand. The feathers that was stickin out from under the tub dissappeared under the tub and there was some movement underneath. I was grabbin like heck when what looked like a flat football with feathers shot out the other side of the tub. Looked like it might have had fishing line tied to it and it accelerated off into the woods and dissappeared with all of them feathers a flutterin. The Shark quick flips the tub over and says over his shoulder as he is runnin toward the barn, "What'd I tell ya Smart***, critters so fast, he he he heh heh heh, It's already sh*t and gone! Wasn't I the fool of the world, I thought while I was wipin all of that nasty stuff that was under the tub off my arm. When I got back to the barn yard, there was a pail of hot soapy water with a towel sittin next to a milk stool. Shark and Ace was laughin behind the locked barn door. Shark looked out the windiow, pointed toward the pail and said with a snaggle tooth grin,"Might wanta wash yer paws afore ya eat". I kicked the pail which managed to spray me with most of its contents. They was both laughin hard as ever as I walked over to my truck and drove off.....I'm presently contemplating open warfare, complete with Army, Airforce, Navy, and a small but effective covert Marine strike force.

 

[RNGRDVE]

So whatareya thinkin was really under that tub?

 

[Jimway]

Hey RD, Happy Holidays. I think there was a flat football with turkey and chicken feathers attached to it. I think there was a long piece of surgical tubing stretched to the limit with some fishing line between the tubing and the ball. Soon as you lifted the tub far enough, the ball shot out and it was gone. There was some rather unpleasant and oddiferous organic compounds underneath the tub too. Pretty good prank, wish I'd thought it up to use on the Shark. About the only thing I got goin right now is the fact that I left without Shark bein able to pay me for fixin the wireing to the barn. Now while the Shark would go to great lengths to not pay a boat race bet, it's gonna aggravate him to have not give me somethin for commin out to his place and fixin the wireing to the barn.

 

[karzrus]

If your right?

and the Shark will be looking to compensate you for the wiring. If it will bother him not to? Then I would wait for him to find you, rather then going over there and giving him the opportunity.

When he finally does come around, you have two choices, 1. Prank him back(which he will be ready for and likely won't work) unless it is so well played that he can't possibly see it comming(this will be nearly impossible).

The other choice is better anyway, kill him with kindness. What ever he has for you in the way of compensation, to try to pay you for for the wiring, top it. Preferably at the same time he is trying to get square with you. If he truely is the kind of guy who hates being indebted to someone, you being "all nice" and even providing some additional helpful thing, maybe for the streamliner, after he treated you like poop(sorry couldn't resist) will really make him feel crapy(sorry x2)
Good luck with what ever you try
Rob

 

[Jimway]

Happy Holidays K, I like where your going with this. After all he lost 500 bucks on the race, had to pay for pizza and beer that got mysteriously charged to his account, and got scared good in the bigfoot incident. I am looking forward to the comming season though. I think we are past the shortest day of the year now too. I think I'll bide some time right now. He's probably expecting an assualt right away. I like your idea about waitin on him, should give em a case of aggrivation and nervousness.

 

[Jimway]

April Shark

Been quite a while since the Shark pranked me with the Snipe Hunt. I been bidin my time. Have had the Shark out on the Mate as we been workin on the top speed and stuff(Got to try to get out front of Rngr's Sugery Sand somehow) Old Sharky loves that boat. Last night,while the Shark was doin his usual late Saturday night stuff, Ole Jim snuck into the Sharks lair like a thief in the night and did some remodelin in the Sharkshack. Got me a big smile on even though I'm feelin the effects of some rather excessive amounts of the Comfort. Had to sneak into Sharkville all covert like. I been real nice to the Shark and I think I've lulled em inta a sense of false security. Figured I'd fire off the prank on April first. First thing we did was fold the sheets up on his bed so that you can only get about half way into the bed. Call that one the Short Sheet. Rigged up the closet door with plastic so that when you open the closet, a bunch of packing peanuts come flyin out. Put plastic over the toilet too so that anything that goes toward the toilet aint gonna go in. While I was in the bathroom, I put a lot of salt on his tooth brush, and put a blank picture of the reflection of the bathroom onto the mirror so that Shark aint gonna be able to see himself in the mirror this mornin. Fast Eddie helped with that one. I took some spray snow and did up all of the windows in the cabin. In the kitchen, we rigged up some magnets with nails sticking out of them so that it looks like someone drove nails into the refrigerator and hung stuff from the nails. We're callin that one "Nailed Ya". While I was in the kitchen I rigged up the cabinets with string so that when you open the doors, the string pulls the contents of the cabinet out on your head. I swapped out the contents of the boxed food items so that there is a surprise in every box. Put some green dye in the milk too. Hooked up some party poppers to the ceiling fans and reset all the clocks too. I found a close match to his favorite drinkin glass and had the tile guy drill a real small hole in it. Call that one the Drippy Cup. Loosened up some door nobs in strategic places around the place and put some water balloons into his boots. Back to the bathroom we replaced the stick deodorant with cream cheese. On the way out, I slunk up to the Sharks truck and wrapped a rag around the u-joint to unbalance it, put some plastic on the hood and then left some humorous messeges there in sharpie pen so it looks like it is on the paint job. Put some frozen poop under the seat ( bet he starts locking his truck up at night). Hooked up a copy of the dogs leash and collar to the bumper bracket so it will fall out and drag down the road later. I think the best part just might be the Russian mail order bride. Have to wait to see what happens on that one....

 

[Jimway]

Yellow Jammerz

Against my better judgement, I was lettin old Shark Dissaster use the Mate. He just loves that boat and says he wants to own it. We've been throwin around some numbers and offers of trade( old Jimway likes the Streamliner). When I went by the Russian Guy's house( He's been lettin us use his private dock), I found the Mate with a flat tire, empty gas tank, dead battery, and the boat covers layin on the ground in the dirt. This did nothing to improve my mood for the day. I've got her back in her garage now and am really pissed to find the sound system with both fuses blown and unable to coax any sound at all from it. Figurin that my recent skirmish, on April 1st, at the Sharks cabin was merely a taste of what might come, I brewed up a rather easy test of the Sharks cognitive, athletic, and verbal skills, while under duress. Now I been noticeing that the Shark seems to be deathly afraid of bees. Once I noticed this phenomina, I quickly filed it away and only rechecked the file upon being upset by the Sharks commision of several Checkmate rules violations that I've accused him of. Shark doesn't like most insects. I first noticed this little tidbit when he was moving some wood on the jobsite and uncovered a rather large spider. From my perch on top of a picnic table(I only jumped up there to get a better view of the Shark) I was enthralled by how fast the old guy disappeared after what could only be described as an Olympic performance level hop, skip, and jump, all the while being accompanied by a pretty good version of Tarzan's jungle call, even if it was a coupla of octives too high.....

 

[Jimway]

What really caught my attention on the job site, was when a bumble bee flew up into a skylight that the Shark also happened to be occupying. Now the Shark was standing on top of a six foot ladder, doing a little touch up work on the paint job up in there. For some reason, most bees don't pay too much attention to me. I don't know if its the sweet smell of Southern Comfort, or just the bees thinkin that I'm not much of a threat, or maybe me not showering enough(a vicious rumour started by Mrs. Jim, I suspect). I've knocked down sizeable nests before, only to have the whole angry swarm bypass me and go after the next guy in line. I remember one time when I was checking property lines on a job site with the builder when my boot sunk into a ground hornets nest. The hornets came busting out, took one look at old Jimway, said "This cant be the guy", Took one look at the builder with his slacks, sport jacket, and wing tip shoes on and that surprised look on his face, and said "That's him, get him!" Anyway, this bumble cruises right past me and up toward the Shark. The Shark steps right off the top of the six foot ladder, hits the floor, does a really great impression of a break dancer waving a paint brush in the air, while speaking like an angry cab driver. He runs off like Steve Austin(the six million dollar man) waving his arms in the air. When the Shark finally returned, he asked me if I had seen the bumble bee. "Jaasus Kee-rismas did ya say the size of thet bumble?" Apparently I had not noticed that the bumble had been approximatly the size of an adult bald eagle and only the Sharks cat like reflexes had saved him from "gettin chomped by the critter" Old Shark then talked at length about the different types of bees that inhabit his neck of the woods. I could tell that he knows his bees. "Well, you got yer small bees, yer medium size bees, and than yer got yer giant veriaty thats rally meat eaters. Now some of em lives in the ground. Some of em lives in holes in stumps and stuff, and some of em makes nests like big paper balls. Yer bumbles falls somewheres inbetween the giant hornets and the granddy of em all, the mountain bee. The giant hornets is the ones to watch out fer and the mountain bees is in a class all by thereselves." I couldn't resist asking about the mountain bee. "Shoot, smart**s, dont you know nothin? The mountain bee is nuthin but a bad attitude, meat eater, Black with white stripes, able to achieve sooper sonic flight speeds, an one more thang too, they is
hightly venomous, just as soon murder ya entirely as ta look at ya. One of them thangs gets his stanger in yeh, you'll be knockin on the parly gates in a heartbeat!" All of the color had run out of the Sharks face, his eyes were wide with horror, and he stood, balanced on his toes, as if he were ready to run for his very life. "Hot dog howdy" said the Sharks friend, a guy I call The Cadaver. "Sharks afraid of bees" I thought to myself and made a note of this.....

 

[karzrus]

I missed the April Shark post somehow?

Wow, that's quite a impressive list of pranks to play one victim.

I had heard of some of them, but I'm going to have to file away a few of those for the folks around these parts that could benifit from something new!!

 

[Jimway]

Hey Kars, if the situation arrises, I can come up with a coupla of more, depending on who you are workin over, er, eh, I mean having some harmless fun with....

 

[Jimway]

Feelin kind of proud of myself for noticing that the Sharkfright is powerful scared of bees, I immediatly formulated a small experiment. I got this small recording device and decided to put it close to a rather large hive of honey bees to record some of thier conversations and then I figured I"d play it back in the neighborhood of the Shark and take note of any significant reactions. Not bein content with just playin it back, I threw in a coupla big jumps and swats at an imaginary hornet. This took place in the kitchen of this new home that we were working on. At the first sound of a bee, The Shark rose into the air about three inches or so and levitated quickly and silently backwards clear across the dining area, across the threshold, and out the door, closing it forcfully and then looking through the window with hands cupped up to his face. I never saw his feet move or touch the ground. I had just played the sound of the bees for a moment. I thought to myself,"I wonder what an extended play with a good sound system and some visual accompanyment might produce?" I figured that would do the trick, all right. Somewhere in the field next door, a yellow jacket(Shark calls em Yellow Jammerz) coughed. The Shark came through the screen door as a blur and flopped down at the table with a pitiful sigh, and put his face in his hands. "S- gonna be a frightful bad season on account of these blankety blank bees this yhar" moaned the Shark. "Seems them thangs is out in powerful numbers early this yahr"....

 

[Jimway]

A few folks at the jobsite kind a noticed that I was up to somethin so I let em in on the escapade. What we did was set up the garage as the trap. The home owner came up with this really nice Boze sound system that has a great sound to it. The recording of the bees sounds so good through it that it will give you goosebumps within three or four seconds. Much to my delight, the Boze has a remote. Out in the garage, there is one of those pull down stairways to gain access to the storage area above the garage. Not long ago, I had come across a BIG bag of fake yellow jackets, the kind that a florist might use, or maybe an arts and crafts type person, or maybe a guy that was pretty steamed up at another guy for screwin up his boat and some other stuff. The counterfit yellow jammerz are made out of wire and fuzzy stuff, are black and yellow, and have little plastic wings and even antennas. Pretty cool stuff to try out on a fella that dont like bees. The General Contractor, who was extremly proud to join in on the festivities, came up with a giant plastic lifelike hornet that has lighted red eyes, antennas and wings that move, and the thing even buzzes. Not being content with this, he also came up with an electronic game call that has a cougar growl on it. The home owner had just bought a barbeque and asked the Shark to assemble it for them. So it was that most of us were in the garage. The General Contractor installing the door from the garage to the house, Shark assembling the barbeque, the garage door guy installing an automatic opener for the garage door, Me playin around inside the electric panel, and a few other spectators. To get things started, I had found a big plump yellow jacket that had recently become deceased, and I suddenly swatted at thin air, tossed the dead yellow on the garage floor, and stomped on it while proudly sayin "killed you". The Shark wheeled around and stared at the squished remains as if it had just been a charging Cape Buffulo brought down by a last second shoot from an elephant gun. "Gowwad Lordy, looket tha size o thet thang," shouted the Shark. "Man, I probably shouldn't have stomped on that yellow", I said. "I hear that when you stomp on em, they lets out some pheromones that signal to the swarm to attack" When I said swarm, I noticed that the Shark stiffened up some....

 

[Jimway]

"Pheromones?" stammerd the Shark, "What the h**l is them?" added the Shark. "Why if that aint the stoopedest thang I ever heard of smarta**" said the Shark to me. He likes to point out any mistakes that I might make and my general lack of knowledge to anyone present. "Since you don't know squat about nothin, let me learnt ya somthin bout yellow jammerz" said the Shark to me with disgust. Before he could continue,the recording of the bees started out quietly and then gained in volume. "Whazzat?" said the Shark in a low voice. "Why don't you tell me Mr Bee Expert" I shot back at the Shark. "Sounds like a big old swarm of angry yellow jackets" said the building contractor, happy to get involved in the festiveties. As the volume of the bee recording got to the Sharkscaredstiff level, he began to resemble a drop of water bouncing around on top of a hot skillet as he sought some room to accelerate before exiting the structure. Since the garage door guy had the door down there was no exit there. The builder had the side door covered too. "Sounds like they landed on the roof" said the home owners wife, "Oh my" she added. "You don't suppose the upstairs window is open?" I asked, "better check", I added," Don't want none of them things gettin in the house". "NNoooo" said the Shark in an uncomfortably high pitched voice. As Shark passed under the pull down ladder, I pulled down on the handle, and the fake yellow jackets cascaded out. If Sharks eyes had not rolled back into his head, he would have seen them. The builder, who was showing great comedic timing, expertly triggered the cougar call. I was looking right at the Sharks face. His right eye rolled back forward so that the big old pupil was showing again. As the right eye was looking wildly around the room, the left eye looked up the ladder just in time to see the big lifelike hornet come buzzing down attached to some fishing line by a rubber band. It seemed to hover up and down in mid air. "Good Lord" said the builder,"That's got to be the queen bee." "Watch out!" I yelled, "Looks like they is up your shirt" It was at this very instant that we witnesed the fastest undressing in history. The Shark removed a flannel shirt, a sweatshirt, and a tee shirt in approximatly 3/100's of a second. His pants came off even faster than that, and he didn't even bother removing his boots first. The home owner covered his wifes eyes with his right hand. She reached up and pulled his fingers apart just enough to see with her left eye. Thankfully, the Shark left his boxers on. Still, the sight of a nearly naked old guy darn near caused a bad case of group blindness. The line holding the bee up came loose and the bee was deposited on the floor of the garage right where the Shark had, an instant before, been standing, but he was no longer there. Neither was most of the screen door. The Cadaver looked over the top of his glasses at the Shark screaming in a pitch that most guys couldn't begin to reach and runnin down the driveway in his boxers, and pretty much summed up the situation with the statement, "That boy has got a different zip code," he paused and then added "and it's a vacant lot". Just to see if the Shark had any more speed left, I yelled out, "Run, they're right behind you" while I turned up the volume on the bee recording to full.

 

[Jimway]

Dangerous Trees

Out here in the great Northwest, we have lots of trees.
Some of these trees grow close to houses and drop limbs and needles and stuff all over. A lot of these trees grow to impressive hights. Might be the clean air, wind, rain, and sun. Some afluent type people pay to have these trees removed before they drop limbs on thier expensive cars or homes, sometimes after. Now the cost of going fast in a certain old car has become fairy expensive and my old buddy (arch rival) Sharkbait contracted a tree removal job to help defray the costs of high speed and low drag in the old roadster. I was more than surprised and a little suspicious when old Shark asked if I would give him a hand "Droppin some trees" for one of his neighbors. Back in the day, old Shark was involved in some logging and still has a truck or two and tons of logging equipment sprawled all over the place. Since dealing with the Shark usually ends up in a good story and some laughs, I told em I'd be happy to help. The plan was to remove the trees without crashing anything like houses, outbuildings, cars, trucks, and most important like, people. The Shark knows that old Jim has been at the business end of a saw once or twice back in the day, and figured he would make me look bad when he "Showed me a thang or three 'bout gettin wood on t' ground" One of Sharks favorite pastimes is critiqueing what ever I may be doing. It usually sounds something like this,"What in the sam hill are ya tryin to 'complish there, iffin thet aint the stooopedest thang I ever did see, hy'ar let me show ya how to do thet" (Usually a good idea to stand back at this point)...

 

[Jimway]

Seeing as how the Shark usually asks for help approximatly three or four seconds before he needs it, I found myself scrounging up saws, files, protective clothing, harness, ropes, wedges, and such, much sooner than later. I was somewhat concerned in that when I had asked about the particulars of the job, Shark said that "There's a coupla big un's up ahre" Out here in the Northwest, when a logger starts talking about a big tree, the key word here is big. A regular old tree, or 'stick' as they might be called, might be a 'coupla hunnert' feet tall. A big tree, or 'big stick', might be as big as your house across its base and usually raises up into and above the clouds, where, after a brisk climb to the top, you can easily see the next county through the break in the clouds. Interestingly, if you look straight up while hanging on at the top of a 'big stick', and use your hand to shield out the sun, you can just make out the stars, even at midday. Having been out in the woods once or twice over the years, and with the thought of big in my mind, I found myself at the very rear of the garage on the bottom of the pile, retrieving the big tree equipment from under big dust. Back in the day, out in the woods, the sole idea was to get the trees, 'sticks', on the ground. That is kind of how you got paid. Very seldom was the ground flat when you were engaged in attempting to get trees on the ground. Usually the ground was perpendicular and every once in a while, the ground would be above your head which called for very special technique. Your tool of choice for putting as much wood 'on' the ground as possible, without putting yourself 'in' the ground,was a chainsaw, a 'woods saw'. The woods chainsaw is not to be compared to the homeowner type of chainsaw that is commonly seen in backyards or firewood cutting parties. Where a homeowner type of saw might have a bar of 16 to maybe even 24 inches, the woods saw might be sporting a bar of 6 feet. The woods saw is usually customized to the particular fallers taste with porting and polishing, muffler modifications, carburator enhancment, all manner of ignition system improvment, increased compression so that a compression release must be fitted to even start the beast, and chains that have cutter teeth the size of a grizzly bears claws and at least 6 times as sharp. In point of fact, the chain on the saw is somewhat like the prop on the boat except that instead of pitch and diameter and number of blades on the boat prop, we speak of pitch, gauge, length of bar, and type of cutter teeth on the saw. On a rare occasion, you might see a faller with his very own custom made "race saw". Many folks will go thier entire lifespan and never even see a race saw let alone see one in action. The description of the saw might sound something like this, " Yeah, she's an eight cube rotary valve with dual plug ignition, fabricated twin wico mags with no rev limiters, s'got an old twin venturi carb and stuffin plate, converted to direct drive runnin a four shoe metallic clutch on a fat bar with exposed roller tip with harvester chain." "What's she run on?" " I'm glad you asked." " I use the whole can, and the label too." " Throw in some methanol and a little picric acid too" When said beast was pulled out from under its canvas cover in the bed of the pickup, sunlight would break through the clouds and illuminate the saw and the surrounding trees would begin to shake...